Disintegration
by G-Town Hoya
Summary: Their affair has lasted for five years and after returning from Paris Emily expects JJ to be waiting for her. But what happens when JJ says that she's not leaving Will and what they have has to end? Will Emily and JJ ever find their way back to each other or are they doomed to disintegrate? Set in season 7 but will also include episode 200. Character death.
1. It Wasn't Anyone Else's Wedding

**This work is an Emily/JJ femslash that is set in season 7 but also features flashbacks beginning from when Emily started with the BAU. However, without giving too much away, the storyline will cross a bit into season 8 and feature season 9's episode 200. ****It's actually an**** idea I've been toying with for a while but have put on the back burner because this story is a little different from any of my other works. ****However, I wouldn't be me if there wasn't some comedic and lighter scenes in it too.**

**There will be drama, there will be angst, and there will be tragedy featured in this story. If you're looking for a traditional 'You complete me' sappy love story this might not be the story for you. ****I will also warn that there will be strong language and possibly consensual sexual content in this work. I've never written a "scene" between two women before, but there's a first time for everything right?**

**Oh and I don't own Criminal Minds. If I did Paget Brewster would still be on the show, Emily would be with JJ, Will would be gone, and Jennifer Love Hewitt would still be doing whatever the hell Jennifer Love Hewitt has been doing since Party of Five. Stupid CBS…but, you know, please don't sue me.**

* * *

><p>There is a slight breeze, the trees barely rustling from the movement of air through their branches. The setting is eerily calm until the quiet is disturbed by the sound of heavy panting and branches breaking, upsetting the sense of tranquility. The cold air burns her lungs, but she doesn't care because she's determined.<p>

She's aimlessly running, unsure if she has been moving at that pace for minutes, hours, days? Time is relative and her exhaustion doesn't even register. It doesn't matter, because she has to have it. She's not even sure why it's so important, what it truly means, but that's irrelevant because she's possessed by the need to find it again. Somehow it's become an inherent need, like breathing. She has to find it.

Her chest is heaving as she desperately cuts through the forestry frantically, experiencing a gratifying sense of relief as she begins to progressively remember her surroundings. She can't help but smile; however, the smile quickly fades when she finally reaches the place that looks so similar to before but tortuously different. It's an idyllic place, one that she still can't believe she happened upon by accident. She doesn't even know where she is. The snow-capped Mountains and a line of pine trees surround a daisy filled meadow, the sight almost Edenic. But the beauty of the place doesn't matter because it's not there. She's sure this is where she saw it last time.

Her breathing becomes impossibly more rapid as she runs her hands through her hair and shakes her head in disbelief. "No no no, please no" she merely whispers as she bits her bottom lip, trying to choke back a sob, for some reason having an inexplicable need to cry.

Because the, _her,_ black rose is nowhere to be found.

* * *

><p>The setting sun glared through the large glass windows, hitting Emily's eyes at the perfect angle, prompting the brunette to groan and move to another chair. This really wasn't her day, scratch that, this really wasn't her year. She audibly sighed as she rubbed her temples, futilely trying to fend off an impending migraine. There she is, sitting in airport terminal, on one of those obligatory faded grey chair-bench airport seats, nervously picking her nails <em>again. <em>She said she had stopped, and technically she had, but the situation warrants it. Plus, what's the point of trying to hide it anymore? Who cares that she's an absolute disaster? Who's going to notice now? She's leaving, she's running. She's running like she always had, like probably half the people sitting in the same airport chair had.

And that's when she realizes how many people must have sat on that chair before her, and it's kind of gross to think about. Were they all wearing clean pants? Were they wearing pants at all? Emily slightly chuckles at the image of a pant less man in the airport, even though she knows what she's doing. She's distracting herself, trying to calm her nerves over the fact that she's unsure of whether or not she wants to get on the plane. Well, that's a lie. It's all a lie.

"It's always been a lie" Emily remarks in a low voice, scanning the airport to make sure that no one had heard her just talk to herself.

If she's being honest it's the same sort of lies that she's built her life on, which is why its foundation is crumbling beneath her now. It's a funny, see pathetic, thing for one to find themselves sitting in an airport terminal, the plane beginning to board, the ticket getting slightly crinkled in her hand as her internal debate continues, unsure of whether or not she wants to get on the plane. Because, yes, there is a part of her that knows that she doesn't want to get on that plane at all. She doesn't want to leave. Because what is there for her in London?

However, in the same breath the wiser part of her knows she _has_ to get on that plane. She has to leave. It's not a question or matter of opinion. It's not an option because she has to. She has to because it, being there, being with _her_ is destroying her. She has to because as much as she craves it, desires it, yearns for it, fights for it, she can't take the pain anymore. Plus, what is _really _there for her in D.C. anyway?

Contentment with the past was all she had before, because any resemblance of happiness had left her a long time ago. She can no longer be content with the gentle brushes of their hands when exchanging case files or the memories of what they once shared. Memories which both comfort and taunt her at the same time. Did they have a great love? Well, maybe, that point is moot because it's not like you can let the idea of 'love' rule your life.

_I don't want to live. I want to love first and live incidentally. _Emily rolled her eyes at the quote that popped into her head. "A troubled alcoholic who was institutionalized, what a great aspiration Prentiss" she sarcastically stated as she looked down to her now bloody stumps of nails and sighed. Another sign of her failings…another remembrance of every mistake and misgiving that haunts her.

There are studies created by people who have devoted their entire lives to studying the difference between physical and emotional pain. There are those who have spent years and hundred of thousands of dollars researching, hoping to confirm what Emily Prentiss could have told them in fifteen minutes. Emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. What she wouldn't give for a stake to the abdomen right then. Which is why she found herself in the fairly empty Dulles Airport on a Tuesday night. _Tuesday, _Emily internally scoffed. _What a joke, it's almost as bad as a Citrine ring because he wouldn't spring for topaz._

It's the final boarding call when she finally rises from the seat, checking her watch as she slowly trudges over to the ticket counter. She can't help but feel sick when she sees the time, maybe her fucking ulcer is returning. Ha, who's she kidding? It never really went away.

If it was anyone else Emily wouldn't care. If it was anyone else this day, this hour, this minute would be insignificant to her. But it wasn't anyone else and it wasn't anyone else's wedding.

It was JJ's.

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><p><em>Five and a Half Years Earlier<em>

_The BAU was quiet, half of the beaming florescence lights turned off as JJ silently read through a stack of case files, every few seconds glancing over at the book resting on her desk. The blonde placed the case file down and __slightly __smiled as she picked up the book, thoroughly engrossed in it until hearing a knock at the door._

_"Spence?" She asked with an eyebrow raised as Reid offered her a smile._

_"I wanted to get my files" he replied as he held out his hands. "I have developed a cycle where I complete at least 4 consults a day so they don't pile up and I need my four" the young man hinted with a nod. _

_"Spence you literally just got back from Guantanamo Bay. You didn't want to, I don't know take a break or something?" JJ asked with a small smile that turned into a grin when Reid merely shook his head 'no.' "Okay then" JJ stated as she took out a stack of files to hand over to the genius. "How was it?"_

_"How was what?" Reid asked as he stuffed the files into his messenger bag. "The prison? Considering that I was there only on a temporary basis it was fine."_

_The blonde nodded at the description before nervously moving on to her next inquiry. She wasn't sure why she was so unnerved by the simple question, but she was nonetheless. "How did the new agent do?" _

_Reid shrugged at the question, "She was helpful, but the subject did speak English so she wasn't that helpful. Gideon played chess with her on the plane."_

_"Really?" JJ questioned as she leaned forward in her chair. "Who won?"_

_"Gideon" Reid answered as he brushed a few strands of hair out of his eyes. "She was good though."_

_"Do you think she let him win?"_

_"No" the man scoffed as JJ bit her bottom lip and tried to cover the smile that was caused the man's almost offended reaction._

_"Why do you say that?"_

_"Because he's Gideon and he even beats me…"_

_"So" JJ interjected with a grin. "Maybe she could beat you too."_

_"No" Reid quickly answered as he shook his head, prompting the blonde to laugh again. "JJ, is something wrong?"_

_"No, why?" JJ curiously questioned with a perplexed look. Was she giving off any signs that she was upset? Because she __wasn't. She was genuinely happy, which was strange considering that she was still at work at nine o'clock at night. In theory she should have been a little upset, but she just wasn't._

_Reid sat down on the chair across from JJ as he began to answer her, "Before I entered into your office I noticed that you were reading. I observed you through the window. Currently, you are reading at approximately 220 words per minute. Now while the average adult reads between 250 and 300 words per minute, you typically read 326 words per minute. So you're reading at a deficiency of 106 words a minute. Now keeping in the mind that the book you're reading is Wurthering Heights by Emily Bronte and it contains 107,945 words, if you keep up this current pace it would take you 8 hours, without breaks, to finish the book. Whereas, if you read at normal pace…"_

_"Spence" JJ interrupted the babbling man with a chuckle "There's nothing wrong with me just because I'm reading a little slower than usual. It's just because, unlike case files, this time I don't want to jump to the end. I want to enjoy the story. So you can relax" She encouraged with a smile before giving him a bewildered look. "You know the exact word count of Wurthering Heights?"_

_"Yeah, I read it when I was seven. But I don't want to ruin the ending for you."_

_"Too late for that" JJ laughed as she shook her head. "Emily, Agent Prentiss, already did that."_

_Reid slightly titled his head as he furrowed his brow, "You've known her for only fourteen hours and she already ruined the book for you?"_

_"Apparently she has a knack for theses kind of things" JJ shrugged with a smile before sighing when she looked down to her watch. She had to be back at work in less that nine hours. Maybe Garcia was on to something with her whole 'Murphy Bed-Desk' idea. All she needed was a bed, bag of Cheetos, and the Ally McBeal __box set and she'd be good to go. Having a home was so overrated. __"I'm sorry Spence, but I probably should head home for the night."_

_"Okay, me too."_

_"See you tomorrow" She warmly offered as he nodded and smiled at her. _

_"See you" Reid concluded as he rose from the chair and headed out the office door._

_JJ couldn't help but laugh at the memory of Emily awkwardly spoiling the book's ending as she gazed at the novel, sticking an old receipt in the book to mark her place before closing its cover. "Emily Prentiss" The media liaison merely stated with a noticeable grin as she packed up her belongings and headed home._

**Should I continue this story? Let me know in the reviews. **

**If I continue the significance of the flashback and the 'black rose' will be explained. And we will get to Emily and JJ's first meeting eventually...**

**Also, it's your reviews that encourage me to continue, so please leave one or I will probably just delete this story and move on to another idea. ****  
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	2. Hope Can Be A Terrible Thing

**Thanks for all the reviews. I appreciate your feedback, especially because r****eviews help me update regularly so keep them coming.**

**For any wondering, this entire story is written chronologically, both the flashbacks and as we go through season 7, starting in the first episode of the season. **

Hope can be a terrible thing.

She had been drowning, secretly suffering from the guilt from _all _her private failures. The infidelity that had spanned the length of her entire relationship. The family obligations she had pushed aside in favor of pleasure, maybe even love, both of which didn't excuse what she did, what she wanted to continue doing. There was the life she was entrusted to protect but didn't, and the promises she had made but hadn't kept. She was drowning from it all and attempting to cope with all her perceived failings alone. Because who could she really tell? It was oddly hilarious, she had _two_ people in her life who she was intimately close with and neither one knew the whole truth.

"She's on her way" Hotch said in a cold and professional tone before walking away, leaving a tensed JJ in the hallway outside the BAU.

She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't prepared to see Emily again. She knew she probably should not see her again, it was only going to complicate things, and JJ didn't need any more 'complicated' in her life. Quite frankly, Emily Prentiss coming back wasn't going to be good for her, or Emily. JJ tried to convince herself that she didn't want to see Emily again. She was with Will, they had a child together. She needed to focus her life on raising Henry. She didn't want to see Emily again. However, as twisted as it was and as much as she tried to deny it, she knew she _needed _to.

As she walked to the BAU conference room, JJ was strangely relieved that there were bigger issues at hand, mainly telling the team that her and Hotch had been lying to them about Emily's death for the past six months. Dealing with their deception was a relief because that meant that Hotch wasn't going to lecture her about Emily. JJ knew that Hotch had always known about her and Emily, like everyone else, but even if he hadn't, JJ's response to Emily coming back would have been a dead giveaway that something had happened between them. However, JJ knew that this time was different. This time he wasn't going to put in his input, but then again, maybe this time he didn't have a right to. Because, sure, Emily was coming back, but not as a profiler or a member of his team. In reality it was the perfect time for them, and Emily was probably under that impression too.

But the funny thing about impressions is that they can be wrong.

It was a strange feeling to have Emily 'rise from the dead,' as cliché as it sounded. Of course JJ knew all along that Emily was alive, but it felt so good to have her back, to have her within reach. But then again, she really wasn't. However, was Emily ever within reach? It was always as if they were drifting apart, their fingers barely touching, trying to hold on to one another but neither one of them having a strong enough grip.

Emily looked the same, but somehow different. Her bangs had long grown out, the once pronounced dark circles under her eyes now negligible, but she still looked worn and stressed. The blonde waited as everyone else greeted the brunette, observing as Emily tried to awkwardly apologize for something she had no choice in. It's not like anyone told Emily everyone thought she was dead until after it had already been done. The decision was made for her. JJ had seen Emily's agony over the decision, over the deceit, and as a result she felt a need to protect the woman. Because only she knew what Emily was going through, and if she was honest she would have to admit that she didn't even know the half of it.

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><p>"So you're actually back" Emily remarked with a smile as both her and JJ left Garcia's office. She had been worried the entire plane ride, no, her entire time in Europe, that she wouldn't be welcomed back home. Admittedly things were different, but Garcia was the same, Hotch was the same, Rossi was Rossi, and JJ…well Emily knew that she was always going to come back for JJ.<p>

JJ chuckled at the statement, "They've been looking for your replacement, and Rossi called me."

"That's great" Emily replied excitedly as she looked down to notice the Citrine ring still on JJ's left hand. But that ring was more about Henry than Will right? Maybe JJ had kept that promise, but it wasn't like Emily could ask her something like that in the middle of the BAU. Hey JJ nice top, did you finally leave Will? She couldn't be so up front, so she hinted, "How's Will with the long hours again?"

"Long story" JJ answered as Emily merely nodded, attempting to hide a small smile. However, despite her best attempts, JJ picked up on the look in her eyes, her heart breaking when she saw it, _hope_.

"I haven't seen Ashley."

JJ's breath lightly hitched at the question. Seaver…that was awkward, especially because she hated how Emily referred to her as 'Ashley' and not 'Seaver.' It was intimate and JJ always was the jealous type. But it wasn't like JJ had any room to talk in that area. "Oh, well, she transferred to Andi Swann's unit."

"Good for her" Emily said cheerfully before becoming more serious, "So, how, uh, angry is the team?"

"They're in shock" JJ carefully worded, not wanting to upset the other women. The truth was that she wasn't sure how the team would react. She had seen how hard Emily's 'death' had hit them all, and that would be a hard thing to recover from.

"Of course" Emily nodded as she scanned the hallway. "Thank you."

Emily wasn't sure what she was most thankful for, JJ helping protect her or saving her life; because they were two very different things. Emily hated sappy, but as corny as it sounded, the hope of her and JJ finally working things out was what kept her going. It was that and playing online scrabble with some girl named 'Cheeto breath' that kept her sane through all the lonely says and nights.

"It is _really_ good to see you" was all JJ needed to reply. It was the truth. She needed to see Emily, to know she was okay. All JJ wanted in that moment was to tell Emily that she had done it. She wanted to say that she had ended things with Will, that she was ready for something real, and that there would be no more sneaking around, no more lying and maneuvering for just a few moments of time together. She wanted to tell Emily that they could be together. But that would be a lie.

Because she hadn't done it and they couldn't be together.

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><p>The rest of the case seemed like a blur until the team finally found Declan, and that's when JJ saw it in her eyes, the eyes that she had learned to read after all those years of intimacy. She could see the feeling of failure in Emily's eyes as the brunette soothingly stroked Declan's hair while his father died in front of him. Sure Ian Doyle deserved everything that was dealt to him, but no one should have to see their parents murdered in front of them. No one. And any part of JJ that didn't understand what or why Emily did what she did for Declan, did in that moment.<p>

It wasn't until after Declan had been checked out at the hospital and passed off to Emily's friend, Tom, that the two women finally had a chance to talk. It was late, or rather early, and the moon aided in illuminating the hospital parking lot. One of JJ's shoes scraped against the gravel, prompting Emily to jump up to see who was approaching her, a wave of relief passing over her when she saw it was just JJ. Doyle was dead but it still didn't feel real yet. She still didn't feel safe, and she worried that she never would.

"Hey" JJ merely greeted as she walked up to Emily, who was leaning against her rental car in the parking lot.

"Hey."

"You heading home?"

"I don't know even know where to go" Emily admitted as she pinched the bridge of her nose and laughed in a dejected tone.

JJ inhaled sharply as she prepared to tell the brunette what she needed to. Contrary to what she had led her to believe in Paris and Maryland, Emily couldn't come home with her. "Emily…"

Emily briefly closed her eyes at the soft tone, "You didn't do it, did you?"

"I…" the blonde drifted off, again at a loss for words.

"It's okay" Emily sighed. "You don't owe me an explanation."

"I don't?"

"No" Emily merely stated as she avoided eye contract with her blonde counterpart.

JJ was surprised by the response. She had expected a fight. She had expected Emily to berate her for misleading her for all those months, for all those years, but it didn't even seem like she cared. "Are you, are you sure?"

"I guess" Emily began as she took a deep breath. "I don't want to know why you don't want to…I just don't want to know, okay?"

"I owe it to him."

"I know" The brunette nodded as she picked at her fingernails, speaking in a voice barely above a whisper, "I just really want to come home."

"I know" JJ agreed with a sad smile as she took one of Emily's hands into her own. "I can still be your friend."

Emily chuckled at the statement, "I don't know. It always starts with us being friends and morphs into something else entirely."

"I know that Em" JJ replied with a sigh, running her hand through her hair nervously. "I know that, but this time it has to be different. I can't keep doing this to him…"

"Him?" Emily responded in a snide tone with an eye roll, shaking her head in disbelief. "Fuck JJ, everything with you is always about how you hurt Will, but what about what you're doing to me? What about that?" The brunette accused bitterly. "I am so fucking sick of hearing about Will and…"

"And?" JJ asked with a glare, "And Henry right? You're tired of hearing about Henry, my son."

"That's not what I meant…"

JJ laughed at the defense, "And what exactly did you mean? You know I just do not get you Emily, you risk everything for Declan and you make me think, yeah maybe Emily is maternal, maybe she does have a heart, but then you follow it up with saying something like this. I have fucking whiplash from how all over the place you are about this subject, so let me ask you, is it kids you have a problem with or just my son?"

"Jayje" Emily began with a sigh as she reached out and gently grazed her hand against JJ's forearm, "You know I love Henry and you know that the problem has never been Henry, no matter how many times you try to say that it is. I didn't mean that I don't love Henry, I meant that I was tired of hearing you use him as an excuse. God Jayje I am so tired. I am so tired of this, we've been doing this for five years now and I can't do it anymore."

"I know."

"I feel like I'm Charlie Brown trying to kick that stupid football" Emily chuckled before clearing her throat as JJ couldn't help but smile at the analogy, despite how heartbreaking it was. "Every time I think it's going to be different. Every time I think you're going to change and you just don't. You just give me some half-assed excuse of why we won't work and I'm tired of hearing them…"

"And I'm tired of giving them" JJ interrupted, her voice cracking as tears began to cloud her vision. "I know that I can't keep doing this to us. I can't keep hurting everyone. I am so sick of hurting everyone and no matter what I do, it's all I do" JJ confessed as she finally allowed the tears to fall, Emily wanting to wipe them away but knowing it wasn't appropriate given the circumstances. "Will is a nice guy and it's not fair to him. It's not fair that I'm with him and in lov-invovled with someone else. And it's not fair to you either. We have to stop, but I need you in my life. It's so selfish and I hate myself for it, but I don't know how to function without you" JJ admitted as Emily nodded in agreement.

This wasn't the fresh start that Emily had envisioned when she got on the plane headed to Dulles. She was expecting a conversation, just not one like this one. But maybe being friends with JJ was better than nothing.

"This time it's going to be different. It has to be. This time we're just going to be friends. I know we can do this. We can control ourselves. We can be friends."

Emily bit her bottom lip, her voice full of skepticism, she always thought that the blonde was too idealistic, "You think so?"

JJ nodded as she wrapped her arms around her body, attempting to comfort herself, "I believe in us."

"But we suck" Emily quipped, making JJ laugh as she hastily wiped the tears from her sad blue eyes. "We can try though."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" Emily firmly stated as the two women shared a smile.

If only it was that easy, but then again, hope can be a terrible thing.

**Things may seem a little frigid now, but they will start to heat up very shortly, especially in the flashbacks which will go into how JJ/Emily first became involved with one another.**

**Now about those "scenes," are we comfortable with the idea or should we just allude to the deed? Let me know your thoughts in the reviews.**


	3. What Does it Feel Like?

**Thanks for all of your reviews. Reviews help me update regularly so keep them coming. I usually never update on Saturdays but since we just started this story I'm updating before I head out. Whether or not I update tomorrow will probably depend on the condition I'm in. All hangover cures are lies. **

**For any wondering, this entire story is written chronologically, both the flashbacks and as we go through season 7, starting in the first episode of the season.**

**This chapter is mainly to start setting up JJ and Emily's relationship in the beginning, which is going to contrast with how their relationship is in the 'present.'**

**-B.**

_Five Years Earlier_

"So_ Hotch seriously hates me" Emily groaned as she slumped down in one of JJ's spare office chairs._

_"He doesn't hate you…"_

_"Oh yes he does" Emily cut the other woman off with a pointed look. "I swear to God, I think he hates me more than some of the unsubs. He actually thought I was purposely jeopardizing the investigation just because my mother happens to be friends with Congresswoman Steyer. Which is absolutely ridiculous because if I had wanted to go into politics I would have gone into politics. God knows it would have saved me from my mother's weekly 'I'm disappointed Emily' phone calls" She finished ranting with a huff._

_"Hmm" JJ began with an evil grin, "Did he happen to be reading a book when you first met him because…"_

_"Shut up" Emily interrupted with a laugh as she threw a balled up piece of scrap paper at the blonde's head. "I apologized for that like twelve times. Should I get 'Sorry JJ' tattooed on my forehead? Is that the appropriate punishment for book spoiling?" She asked with a smile as JJ laughed at her dramatics. "Anyway, how are you liking it so far?"_

_"It's good."_

_"You remind me of Catherine Earnshaw actually."_

_JJ raised an eyebrow at the other woman, "She's brunette with brown eyes. If anything you're Catherine Earnshaw."_

_"You'll see it" Emily confidently remarked before stifling a yawn. It had been a difficult day for her, and it was something that JJ picked up on immediately._

_"You know what? Let's go out tonight, you can drown your sorrows in a vat of gin."_

_"Are you suggesting that I become an alcoholic?" Emily questioned with a lopsided grin before biting her bottom lip to give off the impression that she was seriously contemplating the idea. "Yeah, I think that's the healthy course of action. We should do that. Do you want to invite Garcia?"_

_JJ shook her head at the suggestion, "You know Garcia sober, I don't know if you're quite ready for her drunk."_

_"Yeah?" Emily questioned with a perplexed look, was JJ just joking or was Penelope Garcia really a little crazy?_

_"Yeah."_

_"Okay then" Emily laughed as she rose from the chair. "I'll go get my stuff and meet you in the parking lot."_

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><p><em>It taken nearly an hour to finally finish up at the office, but Emily and JJ had finally made it to the somewhat crowded D.C. bar that JJ had often frequented. The crowd was primarily young professionals and it could have been considered a pick up spot, especially near the bar area. In addition to the stools at the bar area there were also a few tables off to the side, which JJ took a seat at, waiting for her brunette friend to meet her. A roving waitress offered to take her drink order but JJ opted to wait for her friend.<em>

_"Sorry, but parking" Emily mumbled as she slipped into the booth across from JJ. "I really didn't miss driving in D.C."_

_JJ chuckled at the complaint, "So I've been meaning to ask you, are you from D.C.?"_

_"Sort of" Emily remarked as she bit her bottom lip, trying to think of how to respond. "You know what my mother does?"_

_"Of course."_

_"Then you know that I pretty much grew up everywhere, mostly in Europe and the Middle East. But when we were in the States we were based out of D.C., so I know it pretty well. That and I went to Georgetown."_

_"I thought you went to Yale?" JJ questioned with a confused look as she popped a pretzel into her mouth. "Are my sources flawed?"_

_"Sources?" Emily began with a laugh as she shook her head. "Well I wouldn't say you have to fire these so-called sources, because they are technically right, I did go to Yale, but I got my Masters at Georgetown. You went to Georgetown right?"_

_"Yep, I started at Pitt and transferred my junior year" The blonde answered as the friend's idle chatter was interrupted by a dark blonde-haired twenty-something year old waitress who immediately directed her attention towards Emily, scanning the brunette's form as JJ glared at her._

_"Hi, I'm Hannah, I'll be your server. What can I get you?" The woman asked with a smile that made JJ feel uncomfortable._

_"Alcohol, all the alcohol" Emily stated in a matter of fact tone that made the waitress, Hannah, giggle._

_"That bad huh?"_

_"Well" Emily shrugged as she grinned over to JJ, who was unknowingly scowling at the light flirtation, "It wasn't that bad. Although it seems like someone else might need a drink too."_

_"Oh, yeah, tough day, Vodka cranberry" JJ covered as the waitress wrote down the order and refocused on Emily._

_"And you?"_

_"And me…" Emily trailed off as she flipped through the drink menu. "I guess I'll just have a gin and tonic."_

_"Good choice" The waitress remarked as her hand brushed against Emily's while collecting her menu, "I will get that right up for you" the young woman smiled as JJ discreetly rolled her eyes._

_"She, I mean Hannah, was subtle" JJ sarcastically scoffed as Emily rolled her eyes at the obviously jealous remark._

_"She probably just wants a good tip."_

_"Sure" JJ replied in the same bitter tone, which made Emily start laughing. "What?"_

_"Nothing…it's just, okay, did I do something to offend you?"_

_JJ shook her head emphatically at the statement, "No" she began as she took one Emily's hands that was resting on the table into her own. "It was all her. I just find flirting on the job to be super unprofessional…"_

_Emily chuckled at the ludicrous remake, "JJ she works in a bar. I'm pretty sure that all cocktail waitresses flirt. I think it's a job requirement. All cocktail waitresses must have arms and flirt…" She trailed off as the other woman started laughing._

_"Well" JJ started as she continued to laugh until getting more serious. "It's not that I have anything against gay people, it's just…you're not gay. I know you've had dates with men, and maybe it was rude to assume things about your personal life just because you're in the FBI. It's like, women can't carry guns without being gay, you know? Not that there is anything wrong with being gay. I just, well this is her place of work and…shit, you know talking is what I do for a living but I sound like an idiot."_

_Emily tilted her head in confusion at JJ's rambling, "Umm I think you're reading a bit into that Jayje" She started before the waitress returned with their drinks, winking at Emily as she left._

_"Oh am I?" JJ asked pointedly as she nodded over to the waitress._

_"Okay first of all, she doesn't even know I work for the FBI so I doubt it was about that. And about the whole gay thing…" Emily drifted off. Fuck, this was so uncomfortable. Somehow this was becoming even worse than her interactions with Hotch. She hated talking about her personal life, but she needed to clear a few things up for her new friend. "I'm not a lesbian but I'm also not exclusively into men."_

_"Oh" JJ replied in a shocked voice, extremely annoyed that she couldn't come up with anything more appropriate to say._

_"I hope that doesn't make anything weird and that we can still be…"_

_JJ waved the other woman off, "No of course not. I don't care, it's your choice. Wait, it's not a choice. It's a decision…no not that either. Umm, it's your desire? It's your desire. I'm not going to judge who you cho-desire to love or anything else like that, and...I keep saying the wrongs don't I?" The blonde awkwardly rambled as Emily smiled at her._

_"I find it charming" The brunette profiler chuckled before adding, "In a Southern grandpa sort of way."_

_"Thanks, I guess" JJ sighed as she took a sip of her drink. "So then you're bisexual?"_

_Emily ran her hands through her hair, "I guess I would say that I consider sexuality fluid. I probably would rate about a three on the Kinsey scale." The blonde nodded at answer. "And you?"_

_"And me? What about me?"_

_"Have you ever" Emily began as she tilted her head, "You know…"_

_"No!" JJ exclaimed a little too firmly, prompting Emily to wonder if something else was there, but she decided not to prod. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by that."_

_"I know" Emily nodded with a smile. "So in college you never?"_

_"Nope" JJ stated in a matter of fact tone. She wasn't exactly lying, she had never 'hooked up' with another woman by any means, but she had thought about it. She had wondered about it for a while. In fact, she wouldn't have minded if a few women in particular had made a move on her, present company included. Maybe she even wanted to experience it, but it wasn't like she was ever going to admit it, to herself or this new profiler. It was all too confusing, too taboo. What would she tell her mother? Hey mom guess who's gay now?_

_JJ shook the thoughts from her head as she spoke up again, "So when did you start…who was it that you first began the foray into the 'number three' with?" Emily shook her head at the question. Was this really happening? "I'm sorry, is this weird?"_

_"Yes, it's very weird" Emily laughed as she picked at her fingernails. "Okay, she was my Women's Studies professor at Yale. Well technically she was a teaching assistant getting her doctorate..." She began as the other woman started laughing. "What?"_

_"It's just so cliché."_

_"Shut up" Emily playfully chided with a blush. "It wasn't that cliché, although she did wear a lot of tweed…" The raven haired woman drifted off as JJ continued giggling at the admission. "Well, this has been fun" Emily awkwardly stated with a laugh as JJ slightly blushed, embarrassed by her behavior._

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Don't be" The brunette warmly stated before grinning, "Tonight did make me appreciate my conversations with Hotch more. That was what you were aiming for right?"_

_"Yep" JJ responded with a horrified smile._

_"Considering that you practically sexuality waterboarderd me tonight we are so even about the book spoiling thing…"_

_"Ugh fine" the blonde agreed as Emily motioned for the check, surprised to see that her drink wasn't on the bill but a phone number and the request of 'call me' was. Emily merely chuckled as JJ snatched the check from her._

_"What?!"_

_"Jayje" Emily groaned as JJ glared at the bill._

_"You are so not keeping this receipt!"_

_Emily huffed at the order, "Seriously?"_

_"Yeah" JJ sternly stated as Emily rolled her eyes. "You know nothing about her."_

_"That's the point. You see JJ, when strangers find each other attractive they arrange to meet each other, normally in a public venue, and they get to know each other. This natural phenomenon is called dating" Emily teased in a playful snarky tone._

_JJ scoffed at the idea, "Well you could be related."_

_Emily scoffed at the absurd statement, "What?"_

_"Who knows?" JJ shrugged, speaking a serious voice, "families are big Emily, parents have secrets and then, you know, incest happens…"_

_"Incest happens?" Emily questioned with a laugh. "'Incest happens,' is that the bumper sticker from Forrest Gump?"_

_JJ ignored the snarky comment and continued on in her alcohol-fueled jealous rant. Granted, she only had one drink and couldn't be considered tipsy or even buzzed, but she was going to blame her reaction to 'Hannah' on the alcohol if Emily ever dared to bring it up again. "She could be your sister, or your cousin"_

_"Or my mother" Emily quipped as JJ shot her a dirty look. "She's my sister, she's my mother."_

_"That's not funny" The blonde whined as Emily grabbed the receipt back. "What if she's a serial killer?"_

_"What if I'm a serial killer?" Emily challenged with a smirk._

_"You're in the FBI."_

_"Then I'd have the perfect cover" the profiler teased. "I won't call her but I'm taking the receipt on principle because you're not the boss of me. Got it Jayje?"_

_"Fine" the blonde groaned. "I do not like this side of you. It's not very attractive."_

_"Says you" Emily stated with a lopsided grin as she lifted up the check in the air. "And it appears that Hannah does not agree with you" she teased as they walked to the parking lot, approaching their parked cars._

_JJ bit her bottom lip nervously before speaking up, "So, umm, what does it feel like?"_

_"Hmmm" Emily absent-mindedly asked as she unlocked her car. "What does what feel like?"_

_"Kissing a woman on the lips" JJ awkwardly stated as Emily erupted into a fit of laughter. "What?"_

_"I don't think you had to add the 'on the lips' part. I think I would have gotten what you were trying to say."_

_"Well there are a lot of places a person can kiss, Emily" JJ huffed with her arms crossed as Emily tried to stop another fit of laughter from escaping. "Can you just answer the question instead of being such a jerk?"_

_"Okay" Emily replied as she raised her hands in surrender. "You know for someone who was very adamant that they weren't into women you sure seem invested in this question" the brunette challenged with a knowing look before elaborating. "To be honest it's different but not really different if that makes sense. It's softer. I don't know, maybe it depends on who is kissing you, right? Isn't that what matters? That and what the kiss is trying to get across. I don't really know how to explain it."_

_"Oh."_

_"Sorry" Emily offered with a shrug. "But, you know, experience is the best teacher."_

_"Are you offering?" JJ laughed, not really finding the offer of Emily kissing her all that funny, but rather enticing. But was it an offer or were they just flirting? Was she flirting with Emily? Was that what was happening?_

_"Well I do teach a class at the 'Y' on Tuesday nights" Emily joked as she opened her car door._

_"And private lessons?"_

_Emily chuckled at the question. "Those are only available on Thursday nights" she simply replied before getting into her car and leaving a very confused JJ alone in the parking lot. She knew the blonde was hinting that she wanted her to kiss her, but Emily also knew it would make everything awkward. There would be fallout. Even if it didn't necessarily end badly, they worked together and she didn't want to initiate anything that could complicated, or get her fired. Hotch already hated her and would probably be thrilled if she broke FBI fraternization rules._

_ On the other hand, if JJ started things it wasn't like Emily was going to put up that much of a fight. She was only human, and she always had a thing for blondes. _

**This has been bothering me for a while now, why would anyone working in Quantico, Virginia live in D.C.? The commute would be like an hour and a half with minimal traffic and driving in D.C. is a fucking nightmare. I live less than five minutes walking distance from campus and I complain about the commute. Seriously CM get it together. Okay, rant over. **

**Things are going to start heating up shortly for any wondering...**


	4. Will Isn't Emily

**It may seem like we're moving slowly, but we are building up to some more intense/dramatic Emily and JJ scenes, trust me. **

**This chapter is a bit more JJ-centric to give some insight into her emotional state, but we'll be getting back to Emily soon. **

**Thanks for all the reviews. You all are the best and I really appreciate the support.**

**-Blair**

_The plane ride home from Georgia was abnormally quiet, no one wanting to talk about what they had just witnessed, what Reid had just endured, what JJ had gone through. Despite normal protocol, no one wanted to spend another night in Georgia, everyone just wanted to get home. The BAU jet was completely dark, except for one corner where Hotch was busying himself with paperwork. Reid was sitting next to Gideon, sleeping, or his eyes were closed at least. Morgan was sitting nearby, intently watching the younger man as Garcia sat next to him, her head leaning against his shoulder._

_And then there was Emily and JJ._

_JJ was leaning his head against the plane window, internally scolding herself for what had happened to Reid, shaken from her thoughts when Emily brought her a cup of coffee. The brunette knew that coffee typically was not an appropriate drink for three in the morning, but it wasn't like JJ was what could call a 'typical woman.'_

_"If you burn a hole through that window and crash the plane I'm going to be super pissed" Emily teased as she sat next to the blonde and passed her the drink._

_"Well you wouldn't be the only one pissed" JJ remarked in a dejected tone as Emily took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I almost shot you."_

_Emily chuckled at the apology, speaking up in a matter of fact tone with a lopsided grin, "I feel like the BAU would be the only workplace where that apology wouldn't elicit an investigation. It's like our version of sorry I broke your coffee mug."_

_"Mmhmm" JJ agreed with a smile, wondering how Emily was able to do that. How was she able to always make her smile? "Do you think…you can tell me the truth."_

_"Do I think what happened to Reid was your fault?" Emily asked as JJ merely nodded in reply. "No I don't. I don't know what happened at that house, and I don't know whose decision it was to split up, but I doubt it was yours. And even if it was, this job has risks. The stakes have always been high. It's just not something we think about until something like this happens. Every time we go into the field there is a chance that we're not going to be getting back on this plane. That's the job, that's the life of a FBI agent. If that's something you can't accept, then go teach criminology or something."_

_"Morgan blames me" JJ stated in a such a quiet and hurt voice that Emily's heart broke for the woman._

_"Well besides Garcia who cares what Morgan thinks?" Emily asked with a smirk that made JJ laugh again. "What really matters is what I think and I say you shouldn't blame yourself" the profiler said without an ounce of humility, which garnered another smile from JJ. "Jayje this is Tobias Hankel's fault, not yours and it never will be. No one thinks it is. Morgan can just be a dick when he's worried, you know that. And Reid doesn't blame you so that's all that really matters."_

_JJ nodded and scanned the plane before refocusing on Emily, "How do you do it? How do you compartmentalize?" The younger woman questioned as she turned her body in the seat to better face Emily, her tired blue eyes swirling with both pain and guilt. "Can you teach me?"_

_"No" Emily simply replied as she tilted her head, giving the other woman a tender smile. "I won't teach you that because there is nothing wrong with being affected by what we see. That's a good thing. Don't lose that, and don't consider that as weakness."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah" Emily nodded with a smile._

_And that is when JJ first realized that maybe she was starting to fall in love with Emily Prentiss, which was terrifying._

* * *

><p>The first weeks after Emily returned was awkward at best. The team had been temporarily suspended after Doyle-gate, which thoroughly pleased Will and Henry, both of the LaMontagne boys thrilled to have JJ around the house more. However, JJ was less than pleased by the suspension. Sure, it was nice to be able to spend more time with Henry, but she missed her job, she missed Emily. Emily, who was spending most of her free time with Morgan and Garcia, and even Rossi. Of course Garcia send JJ texts with little updates on Emily.<p>

'Princess Raven Locks decided to stay at a hotel. Monopoly lifestyle realness.'

'Do you guys still do the 'yeah, yeah' thing? That was so cute. I did by accident with Emily and it felt so wrong.'

'Gumdrop and Choc. Adonis arguing about Vonnegut again…help me.'

'Do you think my Gumdrop will stay for good? Let's sacrifice a virgin to make sure.'

'Emster won't agree that my baby boy is the true God of thunder, back me up here.'

'My poor baby's bathroom cabinet is full of prescription antacids and sleeping pills. Keep you posted.'

And while the blonde was glad to know what was going on with her friend, it still hurt. It hurt because she wanted to be there for her. She wanted to be the one Emily opened up to, not Morgan and Garcia. She wanted to be the one to help Emily figure out where to live. She wanted to be Emily's confidant again, but she knew it couldn't happen for a while. She knew that Emily needed time after what had happened…after what she had promised. So JJ stayed away, having to remain satisfied with the messages the quirky technical analyst sent her, unsure of how much the other woman was leaving out at any given moment.

JJ knew that Will wouldn't object to inviting Emily over for dinner, but that would be so weird. Even more than that it would be cruel, because JJ shouldn't have even been with Will. Emily thought she was coming home to JJ waiting for her, but the reality definitely failed the expectation.

"Somthin' bothering ya darlin'?" Will asked in a concerned tone as he wrapped his arms around JJ's waist as she cooked, or rather tried to cook dinner.

JJ shook her head as she fixated on the boiling pot of water, "No, why?"

"You've been staring at the pot for 'bout ten minutes now. You seem, distracted" he offered with a small smile as JJ took a deep breath. She wasn't even seeing Emily anymore and she was still lying about her. Would this be a lie that haunted them forever? Why couldn't she just be happy with Will?

"I'm just thinking about that stupid hearing in a few days" JJ lied as she turned around to face her partner. "They're basically putting Emily on trial for everything she's been through. It was their idea, their fault that she even had to go undercover with Doyle in the first place and now they're trying to blame everything on us. It's ridiculous, their trying to pretend that this was Emily's 'mess.' Maybe if they had done their fucking jobs Ian Doyle wouldn't have gotten into the country in the first place. I mean, I have to remove my shoes and get felt up to get through airport security but apparently no one bothers to check private flights for international terrorists on a vendetta. Not to mention…"

"Calm down Cher" Will cut her off as he engulfed her in a hug, with JJ resting her head in the crook of his nook, inhaling his scent. He smelled fine but it wasn't right, he wasn't Emily. Why couldn't she just be happy with him? What was wrong with her? "She'll be just fine. She's a tough little lady, and ya'll be there for her."

"Yeah…" JJ drifted off as she tried to blink away a few tears that threatened to fall.

All she wanted was to 'be there for Emily,' but not in the capacity that Will had in mind. He was so trusting, so oblivious, to the point where even Emily felt consumed with guilt over what they were doing. But, of course, Emily's solution was for JJ to just leave him, as if it was that simple. What about her son? Would she ever see him? God knows that no judge would give her custody considering her job. All she had to do was look at what happened to Hotch for that confirmation. He was an attorney and he still got screwed in a custody hearing. And how would she explain everything to Henry? Hi sweetheart, I'm leaving your father for your Aunt Emily and because I'm being so selfish you're going to see me even less than before. That would make her mother of the year. JJ was shaken from her internal condemnations by Will's southern drawl, the voice that was nowhere near as comforting as Emily's, nowhere near as preferable to listen to.

"She's prolly doin' just fine" he coaxed before chuckling. "Maybe more than fine considerin' all the time she's been spending with Derek Morgan…"

"Emily is not dating Morgan" JJ firmly stated with a scowl, prompting Will to wonder why what he had said had caused such a visceral reaction. "There are rules about that. It could break up the team. They wouldn't do that."

"Well you don't really know that now do ya darlin'? Come on Cher, don't be silly. You know how it works, workin' those long hours, not havin' no one to go home to anyway. Those two always seemed awfully close" he winked as JJ felt sick, which was completely unwarranted. She was with Will, it wasn't like she could expect Emily to be alone forever right? "He's a handsome guy, she's a pretty lady, not that you have anything to worry 'bout. I've always had a thing for blondes" he grinned as JJ couldn't help but smile. _So does Emily. _

"Maybe you should just invite her over so you can talk" he offered as JJ shook her head 'no' as she tried to come up with an adequate excuse. Will wasn't a profiler but he was a detective, her excuse had to be believable.

"I don't want to have to talk about any of that around Henry, Emily wouldn't feel comfortable" the blonde covered as she bit her bottom lip before continuing on. "But maybe I will go talk to her, are you okay with finishing dinner?"

Will nodded and smiled at her, a loving smile that made JJ feel sick with guilt. What was she doing? Why couldn't she just forget about Emily? Why did the woman seem to haunt her? And even when JJ was able to forget Emily during the day, her subconscious wouldn't allow her to. "Sure thing Cher, you have fun with your friend. I can manage here with the boy."

"Okay" JJ replied, pecking Will on the lips as she headed to the living room to retrieve her keys, ruffling Henry's hair as she walked by, garnering his attention as he put down his toy car.

"Mommy leave?" He asked, his bright blue eyes reaffirming every decision she had ever made regarding Emily. She could never hurt him, and she would always sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of his.

JJ nodded with a sad smile as she slightly cleared her throat, "I'm going to be back before bedtime okay sweetheart?"

"'Kay, me with Daddy" Henry agreed happily as he went back to playing with his toys.

"Okay" JJ repeated as she took a deep breath and headed out the front door, the sun setting in the sky as she set out to meet with Emily. Unknowingly JJ started down the same route she had always used to get to Emily's old place, arriving at the Washington D.C apartment building with a groan. She had driven there so many times before it was like her mind operated on auto-pilot. But this time they were just going to talk. "Nothing but talking" JJ firmly instructed herself as she checked the text from Garcia and headed to the Emily's hotel, hoping the brunette woman was home. She had opted not to call in case Emily asked her not to come, but who was she kidding? Emily never answered her calls anymore. JJ knew the suspension could be ending soon and if Emily stayed they wouldn't be able to just ignore each other, there needed to be clear boundaries. She needed to clarify what they were, what they weren't.

And that was how JJ justified seeing Emily, alone, at night, at her hotel, but it was more than that. It was always more than that with them.

* * *

><p>Emily groaned as she sat down on her hotel suite's sofa in the small living room area, setting a glass and a bottle of whisky on the glass coffee table in front of her, debating on whether or not to drink it. The bottle had been a welcome home gift from Rossi. Alcohol, how appropriate given the condition her life was in. Ironically though, Emily had been advised against drinking because of her ulcer, the woman in a constant state of tension and stress that made it nearly impossible for her to unwind. She had refused to take the sleeping pills she was prescribed, seeing the medication as some sort of failure, a sign that she wasn't herself. Why she didn't view alcohol in the same light was inexplicable.<p>

Emily audibly sighed as Sergio curled up next to her, at least he had gladly welcomed her back, the small cat a little plumper than he was when she left him. "Garcia sure did spoil you didn't she Serg?" She asked as she poked him the stomach, eliciting a dirty look from the feline.

"Sorry" she laughed as she raised her hands in surrender and rubbed her tired eyes, trying to banish Tsai, the warehouse, Doyle, and Declan's haunted expression from her mind. She couldn't remember the last time she slept well.

Well that was a lie, she remembered exactly when that was, but maybe it was better to forget that memory altogether, or try to at least.

"Fuck it" Emily merely said as she poured herself a drink and downed it, pouring herself another one before she heard a knocking at the door, briefly startling her. It's funny, no cruel, how the mind works. Emily knew Doyle was dead, she had seen it happen before her eyes. However, in those brief moments after hearing a foreign noise, or in her dreams, he was very much alive. He was immortal. Emily shook the thoughts from her head, opening her hotel door to find JJ in the hallway.

"JJ?"

"I just want to talk about us."

**We're going to pick back up with this conversation after a flashback chapter.**

**I hope mentioning the whole custody issue clears up why leaving Will is such a big deal for JJ. My dad is a divorce attorney and custody cases can get so fucking messy it's ridiculous.**

**As a minor spoiler, I'm working on a mature scene at the moment. I believe the advice given was, 'go big or go home.' Anyway, my roommate is gay and I think my questions may have traumatized her forever, but her emotional scarring is for your sake. Life is full of sacrifices.**


	5. We Can't Ever Do This Again

**This is solely a flashback chapter and it contains a mature "scene," which has forever changed my friendship with my roommate. **

**Spoiler alert for the ending of Wurthering Heights.**

**Also, I was going to post yesterday but, well, here's a piece of advice: Making a freebie five list with may seem like a great idea at the time, but that can go downhill real fast.**

**-Blair**

_"She married the wrong guy and dies you jerk" JJ playfully scolded as she pushed her way into Emily's apartment and hit the other woman across the shoulder._

_"Fuck" Emily groaned, throughly surprised by the random outburst and by the fact that JJ was in her apartment. "What was that for? Wait, what are you even doing here? How did you find out where I live?"_

_"I'm a stalker with a technical analyst friend so this is basically destiny" JJ laughed as she followed Emily to the kitchen where the brunette poured her a glass of wine, motioning for JJ to follow her to the sofa. Emily had been trying to decompress after a case in Houston where she was paired with a less than pleased Reid…okay it was more than less than pleased, he was being a total dick to her. And, or course, everyone ignored it because he was Reid and no one ever called out Reid for anything, not for acting unprofessional or for having an obvious drug addiction. It wasn't that Emily resented the man by any means, it was just that she knew that ignoring problems didn't make them go away. Oh the great irony that is life._

_"Okay and the abuse?"_

_"Abuse" JJ scoffed at the term as she and Emily both turned their bodies to face each other on the sofa. "Well, you know what that was for" the blonde remarked with a pointed look as Emily raised an eyebrow, hinting for the woman to elaborate. "You said that I reminded you of Catherine Earnshaw in Wurthering Heights and I just finished the book to find out that wasn't much of a compliment after all because she was a grade-A moron."_

_Emily moved her hand to cover her mouth as she tried to stifle a laugh, raising her hands in surrender when she saw the media liaison glare at her. "To be fair, she made a mistake."_

_"Uh huh, a mistake? Her entire life was a mistake, that failure. And, well, I'm insulted. I would have totally married Heathcliff."_

_Emily took a deep breath, laughing when she exhaled. "I'm sorry Jayje. But come on, I already have Reid hating me, so you can't be mad at me too."_

_"He doesn't hate you…"_

_"He's frustrated with me" Emily interjected as JJ couldn't help but slightly nod in agreement. "He's frustrated because won't overlook whats going on with him."_

_"And what is that supposed to mean?" JJ asked a little too defensively._

_Emily scanned the rigid body language of the other woman as she leaned back against the sofa, "It means that I think we all, and I mean all" she firmly said as she gave the other woman a stern look before continuing on, "know what is going on. Come on JJ we're a team of profilers and you've known him for years, we are all very aware of how he's…coping."_

_"It's not his fault" JJ argued in a soft voice._

_"I'm not saying it isn't understandable, but I don't think choosing to overlook his problem is doing anyone any good, especially not Reid. And as for it not being his fault, Jayje, it's not yours either" Emily added in a tender tone as JJ studied her friend's soft expression. "What Reid went through was traumatic, but it wasn't your fault, and how he deals with it, or doesn't deal with it, doesn't fall on your shoulders."_

_JJ nodded before rolling her eyes at the kind words, "Profilers."_

_"Pssh" Emily waved her off with an eye roll of her own. "I don't need to be a profiler to know these things. Forget Garcia, I am the all-knowing" she joked as JJ cracked a smile. "You're not responsible for everyone..."_

_"Neither are you" JJ cut Emily off as she leaned closer to the other woman. She didn't know what she was doing, but it was like her body was magnetized to Emily's, needing to get closer. "I almost shot you and you didn't even care."_

_"Well you didn't shoot me. If you had I would have been so pissed" The raven haired profiler grinned as she pinned a loose strand of hair behind JJ's ear. "Especially because I hate bagpipes."_

_"Yeah" JJ nodded meekly. "That's why I came."_

_"To shoot me or to play the bagpipes?" Emily laughed as JJ shot her a dirty look._

_"No you jerk, to see if you were okay."_

_"You could have called."_

_JJ nodded as she leaned even closer to the other woman, "I didn't want to. I needed to see for myself."_

_"Okay" Emily replied as she too moved a little closer, the two women's faces nearly touching._

_JJ nervously took a deep breath as her eyes locked with Emily's, "Okay?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Yeah" JJ agreed as she felt her heart pounding in her chest. What was she doing? Why did it feel so right? "I don't know what I'm doing."_

_"I know" Emily acknowledged as she closed in on the gap between them, waiting to allow the blonde to make the first move, which she did._

_Taking control of the situation, JJ moved forward and pressed her lips against Emily's. What started off as a soft exploratory kiss quickly became more intense with Emily sweeping her tongue against JJ's lips, the other woman gladly parting her lips as Emily's tongue ran over the roof of the blonde's mouth while JJ's hands went into Emily's dark hair, intensifying the already passionate kiss. JJ moaned into Emily's mouth as she felt the other woman's fingers lightly graze up her sides over her sweater. When a need for air became an issue, JJ and Emily finally pulled apart, JJ bringing her fingers to lightly brush against her swollen lower lip. She had never been kissed quite like that before, which was both exhilarating and terrifying. But she did know one thing, she wanted more. Instinctively, JJ brought her left hand to cup Emily's cheek, pulling her into another kiss as she lay down against the sofa._

_"JJ" Emily breathlessly began as her body hovered over her the other woman's. "Are, are you sure?"_

_"Yes" the blonde firmly said as Emily merely nodded before she moved to kiss JJ's neck, prompting JJ to moan when Emily sucked on her pulse point. "Oh God…" she drifted off, shivering as Emily slipped one of her hands under her shirt, teasingly moving it up her body. "Em, please" she almost begged as Emily laughed against her neck. "You're a real jerk" JJ complained as Emily moved off her._

_"Yep" Emily remarked with a cocky grin as she stripped JJ's shirt off of her as the blonde brought her hands around the small of Emily's back and pulled her into another kiss, Emily massaging her breasts over her bra. __"Damn it" The brunette complained as she slipped her hand under JJ's back, distracted by the blonde's light biting of her collar-bone and having a difficult time unclasping the offending clothing item. "What do you want JJ?" Emily asked over a pant, worried that they were going too fast._

_"You know what I want."_

_"I want you to say it."_

_"I want whatever you can give."_

_Emily nodded at the request as she slipped a knee between JJ's legs, eliciting a gasp as she pressed it against the other woman's core while she lightly nipped and licked the top of JJ's breasts. "You're so perfect" she muttered before flicking her tongue over a hardened nipple._

_Meanwhile, JJ wasn't completely sure of what to do, mindlessly raking her fingernails against Emily's lower back under her shirt. Part of it was that she was completely memorized by Emily's movements, it was almost as if the other woman knew her body better than she knew did, but another part of it was just inexperience. Her breath hitched as Emily's hand drifted down from her left breast, moving lower, moaning as she felt the other's woman's fingers brush against her through her panties. "Emily…"_

_Taking the hint Emily moved back to strip JJ of the final piece of clothing while JJ tore off Emily's shirt. JJ loudly gasped when she felt one of Emily's fingers tease her core as the raven haired woman began to circle her fingers around JJ's clit, continuing to kiss and suck on the other woman's neck, softly biting down on JJ's pulse point, not caring if she left a mark. But considering JJ's rapid breathing and moaning it was highly unlikely that she cared either._

_"Oh…God…right there" JJ ordered in a broken sentence as she felt an orgasm building, clutching the sofa cushion as she nibbled on Emily's earlobe while the other woman's fingers found the perfect spot inside her. "Emily…"_

_"Just relax" Emily instructed as JJ nodded and began meeting each one of Emily's movements, while Emily continued to simultaneously stroke JJ's core whilst lavishing her chest and neck with kisses and small bites._

_"I'm so…"_

_"What? __Are you okay?" Emily asked as she sucked the skin behind the blonde ear's, her hot breath dancing against JJ's wet skin._

_"Yeah" JJ choked out over a pant, unable to concentrate on anything other than feeling Emily inside her, the other woman's tongue circling over one of her nipples. "__I'm going to…" JJ drifted off as Emily quickened her movements, curling her fingers deep inside the blonde as her thumb continued to stroke the blonde's clit. _

_"Emily..." JJ moaned, gasping for air as her body tightened over Emily's fingers, the brunette continuing her movements to draw out the other woman's orgasm as she lightly pulled on JJ's lower lip with her teeth, her tongue exploring the other's woman's mouth, __pulling her into a final passionate kiss._

_"Oh god Emily" JJ remarked with a content sigh, panting as she tried to catch her breath, her flushed naked body covered in a layer of sweat. However, the sense of complete relaxation and contentment quickly faded after she realized what she had just done. _

* * *

><p><em>All JJ wanted was to touch Emily, to continue to explore each other's bodies throughout the night. But she couldn't do that, and she couldn't believe what she had just allowed herself to do. Did she have no impulse control whatsoever? She had just had sex with a co-worker, her female co-worker, who was also her best friend.<em>

_"JJ, are you okay?" Emily asked as she noticed JJ's formerly relaxed body tense up underneath her. "JJ?"_

_"I-I, oh fuck, we, I shouldn't, we can't ever do this again" She awkwardly stated in a panicked voice as she pushed Emily off her and jumped off the sofa in search of her clothes. "We work together."_

_"Really? Is that where I know you from? Because I forgot" Emily stated in a bitter sarcastic tone with an eye roll._

_JJ glared at her friend as she pulled on her underwear and clasped her bra, "I'm sorry I just, we cannot do this. We can't do this Emily."_

_"It's okay."_

_"It's not okay" JJ groaned as she ran her hands through her sticky, mused hair. "I should have never come here."_

_"No, maybe you shouldn't have" Emily said in a professional tone as she shook her head in disbelief._

_JJ studied the other woman, noting the vacant expression on her face. "I'm sorry. It was, you were really good. You were amazing and I don't think I've ever...and all I want is to be here with you and, shit, I don't know what's going on with me, but we can't do this Emily. We can't get involved like this. It's not right…"_

_"Not right?" Emily asked incredulously with a scoff. "You seriously have some identity issues."_

_"What is that supposed to mean?" The media liaison asked with a scowl, resting her hands on her hips as she temporarily stopped buttoning her pants._

_"It means that I think you're having a difficult time accepting that you're not the straight shooter you thought you were, or want to think you are."_

_"Oh is that what you think Agent Prentiss? You think just because you're a profiler you know everything about me now."_

_Emily laughed condescendingly at the other woman, "Yeah you're right. You certainly fucked like a completely straight girl."_

_JJ was about to retort back something bitter but bit her tongue instead. She loved Emily, as a friend, and she didn't want to lose her. This was one mistake. They could get over one mistake. They could, and would, get past this. And one day it would be like this never happened. Maybe they'd even laugh about it. Okay, that probably wouldn't happen, but they could still move on from it. _

_"I'm sorry but this is just so confusing and we could lose out jobs. Fuck Em, you know that I care about you but we cannot do this. We just cant. Can we please just go back to being friends? Please Emily…" JJ pleaded as Emily took a deep breath and nodded._

_"We can try I guess" the brunette agreed in an unenthusiastic voice. _

_"We can" JJ agreed as she slipped on her shoes. "You mean so much to me and I don't want to lose you and this, whatever this is, we both know it'll never work anyway so why ruin everything with sex?"_

_Emily couldn't disagree with that logic. FBI fraternization was strictly prohibited and JJ was in deep denial about her feelings so no, any resemblance of a relationship between them would never work. Not to mention that Emily had grown accustomed to having JJ as a friend and she didn't want to jeopardize that. The fact of the matter was that a relationship between them was probably never in the cards, but__ that didn't mean that JJ's reaction didn't hurt. "You're not going to lose me."_

_"Really?"_

_"I'll always be here for you. I might just need some time to process this…I feel like the only appropriate adjective for this would be a clusterfuck."_

_JJ smiled at the simple statement as she grabbed her purse and car keys, "And I'll be here for you too. Friends?"_

_"Friends" Emily reluctantly agreed as she followed JJ to her front door. She had a bad feeling this was going to get messy, and Emily Prentiss didn't do 'messy.' But much like her blonde counterpart, this new friendship was making her do a lot of things she would have ordinarily just walked away from. _

_JJ gulped before opening the door, her eyes betraying how terrified she truly was, "Emily, did I screw everything up?"_

_"No" Emily warmly said with a smile. "We're going to be okay."_

_"Promise?"_

_"Promise."_

_"Yeah?"_

_Emily chuckled at the other woman's insecurity as JJ stepped into the hallway. "Yeah" Emily merely replied as she closed the door behind JJ and groaned. "That was seriously not how I was expecting the night to go" Emily grumbled, glaring at the sofa, still more than a little turned on. "Fucking JJ" she complained as she walked up the stairs to her bedroom._

**Who will be the first member of the team to find out about Emily and JJ's sexual disaster? Predictions?**

**Thanks for all the reviews everyone. I really appreciate it. **


	6. For Closure

**I am hinting towards an Emily relationship in this chapter, but we'll get to that later. I was originally going to give Emily a boyfriend, but I've gotten a request for a girlfriend for Emily so I'll do that instead. ****But the main relationship in this story is Emily/JJ so any other secondary relationships are just going to be mentioned in flashbacks.**

**Again, thanks everyone for your feedback and don't worry, we are working towards London and episode 200. However, I will hint that I have been known to foreshadow...**

"Fuck it" Emily merely said as she poured herself a drink and downed it, pouring herself another one before she heard a knocking at the door, briefly startling her. It's funny, no cruel, how the mind works. Emily knew Doyle was dead, she had seen him die before her own eyes, but in those brief moments or in her dreams he was very much alive. He was immortal, and she wasn't. Emily shook the thoughts from her head, opening her hotel door to find JJ in the hallway.

"JJ?"

"I just want to talk about us" JJ began, regretting her wording as she saw a certain brightness in Emily's eyes. "About how we're going to get past all of this."

"All of this?" Emily asked with an eyebrow raised as she shook her head and darted her eyes away from the blonde, a sign that she was beginning to emotionally shut down. 'All of this.' The wording made Emily feel like JJ thought it was a chore to talk about them. However, there wasn't really a them anymore was there? Were they ever a 'them.' Hotch and Haley were a 'them,' Kevin and Garcia were a 'them,' JJ and Will were a 'them,' but Emily and JJ, what were they? A 'this?' What the fuck did that mean? What was a 'this?' A mistake?

Meanwhile, JJ felt just plain awkward standing in the hallway talking like that, but perhaps it was a better alternative than going inside Emily's room and being thrown out if Emily didn't like what she had to say. Maybe a door slammed in her face was preferable to the alternative. "How we're going to get past Bethesda and Paris. I thought we had dealt with this already but I guess not."

Emily rolled her eyes as the statement, "Why do you say that?"

"You've been ignoring me."

"I've been busy" Emily shot back with a shrug. "I have a lot of things to sort out…"

"Yeah, but you haven't come to me with them. Not like we used to…"

"Well things can't be like they used to. Didn't you say that?" Emily asked, not expecting the other woman to give her an answer.

"I want to be there for you" JJ informed Emily in a pleading voice. "You're going through all this stuff and I should be helping you with it. I want to be there for you like you deserve, but instead you're sorting those things out with Morgan and Garcia and…" JJ trailed off, stopping herself before she said it.

"And?" Emily asked knowingly as she shook her head. "I haven't seen her yet."

"Yet?"

"I'm going to have to talk to her eventually."

"You are?" JJ inquired in a bitter voice as Emily leaned against the door frame, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Well maybe I should apologize to her."

JJ scoffed at the idea, "Why? You don't owe her anything."

"Jennifer stop" Emily scolded as she lifted her hand to interrupt the other woman. "This has nothing to do with you so if you're going to be a bitch about her you can just let keep it to yourself. I don't want to hear it. I don't talk shit about Will…"

JJ laughed at the defense, "Yes you do...all the time."

The raven haired woman smirked at the correct statement, "Yeah I kind of do."

JJ shook her head, trying to hide a small smile, unable to help the chuckle, caused by Emily's candor, from escaping. After briefly glancing down to the floor JJ refocused on the other woman as her demeanor became more serious, "Seriously, can we talk about how you're doing? I've been worried about you. You never answer my calls."

"To be fair Jayje, you never called."

"I did."

"Yeah you did" Emily nodded as she opened the door wider, signally for the blonde to come in. "You called…twice. So do you want anything?"

"Coffee?" JJ questioned as she sat down on the sofa, watching as Emily picked up a room service menu. "What are you doing?"

"Ordering you a coffee."

"Someone's getting a little too used to the hotel life. I'll just take whatever you have" JJ suggested in a kind voice while Emily pinned a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she absentmindedly flipped through the menu.

"I don't have any coffee…"

"WHAT?!" JJ loudly interjected in a state of shock. This was possibly the most absurd thing she had ever heard. What kind of Neanderthal didn't keep coffee in their home, or temporary home?

Emily looked up to the blonde with a genuine smile, "Wow Jayje, maybe a teeny overreaction there. I don't have any coffee, I didn't sell all your organs on the black market."

JJ chuckled at the statement, "It's just, you always had coffee before. What gives?"

"I don't drink it anymore" Emily shrugged, opting not to get into the whole 'the acid in it irritates my formerly iron-clad stomach probably because all the fucking stress made me permanently damaged' spiel.

JJ knew there was probably more there, but decided not to ask. Did _friends_ ask about those sort of things or was that a couplely question? She couldn't be sending mixed signals, which is what she had been doing for the past five years. It wasn't fair. She had stayed with Will, she was staying with the father of her child. Emily was just a friend, nothing more. JJ felt like she couldn't lead her on anymore. "What do you have then?"

"Chai tea and whiskey" Emily chuckled as JJ smiled at her.

"I guess I'll have tea."

Emily nodded as she walked over to the small kitchenette area and took out the box of tea and a coffee mug, "Cream and sugar?"

"Cream and sugar in tea now? Well Prentiss Paris had sure made you delicate" JJ teased.

"I guess it has" Emily replied in a disinterested tone as JJ sighed and looked around the hotel room. It was nice, really nice, but it wasn't a home. Then again, maybe that was her fault, because Emily was expecting a home when she retuned to D.C.

"How have you been?" JJ yelled to the kitchen, wondering why she had chosen such a loaded question.

"Fine" Emily merely replied as she returned with the cup of tea, sitting down on the sofa next to her co-worker. It wasn't a lie, okay it was most definitely a lie, but what was she supposed to say? I was doing a little better but then I saw you were still with Will and it reminded me that my life is complete shit. But, you know, other than that I'm perfectly fine, save for the nightmares, insomnia, and stomach ulcer.

"I'm sure you are" JJ remarked, rolling her eyes at Emily's nonchalant answer as she sipped her tea, wishing it was coffee. But this had become her life, settling for something and wishing it was something else. JJ internally scolded herself for the thought. Will was a great guy, a guy that hundreds of women would probably want and she was just so ambivalent to him. He was her oatmeal. Yeah he was probably good for her but it wasn't like she looked forward to it. He was just kind of there. Admittedly, yes, maybe she had ruined Emily's life, but to be fair, Emily had kind of ruined hers too.

"Are you still having nightmares?"

"Nope" Emily lied as JJ scoffed at the answer. "Sometimes…"

JJ moved to hold Emily's hand, but stopped herself at the last minute, settling on merely patting the other's woman knee. "I meant what I said at the hospital Em, you can talk to me. We can still be friends."

Emily laughed at the offer, "Like that worked so well before."

"Well" JJ began before taking a sip of tea, trying to think of something to say, "You've been through a lot and I want to be here for you."

"Once again, like that worked so well before" Emily snapped as she rolled her eyes, feeling guilty at her reaction when she saw the dejected look in JJ's eyes. "JJ, I just don't know if we are the kind of people who can ever just be friends."

"But we have to try. You said we could try" The blonde almost pleaded as Emily took a deep breath and shook her head.

"I don't know what you expect me to tell you."

JJ tilted her head in confusion, "How about the truth?"

"I just don't see the point of all this. I just don't see what talking to you is going to accomplish. It's just going to confuse things" Emily quietly stated, picking at her fingernails before deciding to further elaborate. "I know you Jayje, you're going to get too involved, we're going to cross the line and then you're going to do what you always do."

"Which is?" JJ asked in an offended tone with an eyebrow raised as her body became more rigid. "What do I always do Emily? Enlighten me?"

Emily scoffed at the question, "You never take responsibly for anything. You get too close, you lead me on, you provoke situations…"

"I provoke situations?" The blonde incredulously asked as she began to raise her voice.

"How about what happened after Houston?" Emily questioned sternly with a knowing look as JJ slightly recoiled. "Yeah that is exactly what you do. Don't even try to deny it because I'm not fucking Will…"

"Oh and what the hell is that supposed to mean Emily?"

"It means that I can see you for who you are" Emily firmly stated as she furrowed her brow. "I know you Jennifer. I can read you. I know everything about you. You get too close, you cross the line, and then you freak the fuck out and try this whole 'let's just try to be friends' bullshit to cover up for what you did. That's what you do, and then I'm just stuck watching you scurrying around like a fucking spaz trying to pretend that nothing happened, which is absolutely pathetic by the way. And that is what you do. And I'm no better…"

"No you're not."

"No maybe I'm not."

"This time has to be different Em. It has to be because I can't lose you, but I also can't keeping doing this with you. I thought…those stupid online scrabble games were the highlight of my days for months" JJ admitted as her vision began to be clouded with tears, unsure of why she was reacting so emotionally to the simple sediment. Maybe because it was true, and she couldn't imagine Emily not in her life. She needed the other woman and it was wrong and cruel. It was unfair to do that to her, but her life needed Emily in it to make sense. "I just, I need you in my life, and I know it's so selfish Em. I know I'm a horrible person for asking this of you, because you deserve to just walk away. You deserve to walk away from me, but I can't not have you in my life. But I can't… I owe it to him to stay Emily. After everything I've done to him I owe it to him and I don't know what to do. I never know what to do..."

"It's okay" Emily soothed as she wrapped her arms around JJ, the woman burying her head in the crook of Emily's neck as she finally allowed the tears to fall. "It's okay."

"Nothing is ever okay."

"Well not you just sound like a teenage girl" Emily teased as JJ let out a chuckle. "We can be friends" The brunette offered as she pressed a kiss to the top of JJ's head.

"You're my best friend" JJ softly stated with a sniffle.

"I know" Emily nodded as she took a deep breath, trying to think of the right words to reply with, for some reason everything coming off as too blasé for the situation at hand. "You're mine too and I don't want to lose you either. I'm just trying to adjust to being here, but I'm not taking back what I said at the hospital. Maybe we can be friends this time, we're both on the same page."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"We just can't fuck everything up… literally" she added as JJ started laughing.

"God, how come no one else can make me laugh like you do? How do you make everything seem so easy?"

Emily took a deep breath and smiled, "I guess it helps that you make everything so complicated."

"Shut up" JJ playfully scolded as she moved back and wiped the tears from her eyes, laughing as she stared into Emily's deep brown eyes, hating herself for what she was doing to the woman, and to Will. Disgusted with herself for all the lives she was ruining, hers, Emily's, and Will's. He was so oblivious, so loving, so trusting, so kind in encouraging her to help Emily, and all she wanted was to say 'I love you' and have sex with her. All she wanted was to cheat on him. How fucked up was that? How fucked up was she? But she couldn't do that, to either of them. "I should go" JJ quietly remarked as she got off the sofa and ran her hands through her hair.

"You're probably right" Emily nodded as she followed JJ to the door. "Umm JJ, is there a part of you that still, you know…" the raven haired woman drifted off awkwardly as JJ briefly closed her eyes, gripping the knob on the door.

A pained look crept across JJ's face as she answered the woman, opting to be honest. "I think part of me always will."

Emily bit her bottom lip at the answer, her eyes trained on the back of JJ's head, not needing to see the blonde's face to know the exact expression playing on her features. "Is that a good thing?"

"Whether it's good or bad is irrelevant because it's there" JJ answered as pocked her hands in her jeans. "Do you think we should, just once more, to say goodbye to that part of us?"

"Do what?"

"Just a goodbye kiss" JJ clarified as she briefly closed her eyes, worried that Emily would laugh at the idea.

Emily knew it was a bad idea, but then again, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it would help them end things. One final goodbye to make sure they both knew whatever they had was done, whatever they shared was gone. "Maybe we should..."

"Okay, and that'll be it."

"For closure."

"We're done with this part of us" JJ agreed, pinning a strand of hair behind the other woman's ear before she gingerly ran her fingers up and down Emily's forearm, small goosebumps rising on the skin after each touch.

"Just one more time." Emily firmly stated with a nod before scanning the quiet hallway, not noticing as JJ pinned to her to the doorframe as she pressed her lips against Emily's, her hands resting on brunette's neck as Emily pulled her closer, her fingers digging into the small of JJ's back. JJ slightly moaned at the sensation of their bodies pressed together, slipping her tongue into Emily's mouth, their tongues massaging each other as the kiss became even more passionate, needy, and intense, both women trying to convey everything they couldn't, or shouldn't say. The two finally separated after their lungs began to burn, the need for air becoming too strong to ignore.

"So that's it" JJ breathlessly said as she took a deep breath to still her nerves, biting her bottom lip that somehow tasted like Emily, and whiskey.

Emily nodded as she brushed the pad of her thumb over JJ's left cheek, "It's over."

"Yeah."

"Yeah" Emily repeated as JJ walked away, heading back home to Will and Henry. After all those years and all those secrets, self-deception still came so naturally to the two women. But then again, the easiest person someone can lie to is him or herself.

It's funny how the mind works.

**Just as a heads up, I probably won't be able to update tomorrow because it is my boyfriend Jimmy-Jam's quarter century birthday. He'll totally love the Orange is the New Black cookbook I got him right?**

**Additionally, there is a touch of comedy coming up in the next chapter to offset the dark tone of the story. I'm also debating on whether or not to do another mature scene. Thoughts and opinions?**

**-Blair**


	7. Or Something

**I'm back and f****irst I want to thank everyone for their reviews. I know that JJ seems to be acting selfishly right now, but I will say that an upcoming flashback will show that the state of their relationship wasn't just caused by JJ. There are always two sides to a story. Additionally, there are some identity issues JJ is dealing with which will be addressed soon. **

**Also, there have been some interesting predictions about how this story is going to play out and I love reading them. But I will say this: this story is not like any other cliché Emily/JJ story you've ever read so expect the unexpected. And that is all I'm going to say about that ****-Forrest Gump.**

Surprisingly the Senate hearing had gone well, and, of course, Emily had known exactly what to say. Emily always knew exactly what to say. But even though Emily was back with the team and the two women had agreed to be friends, it was still tense and they weren't really spending that much time together. Emily was spending more time with Morgan, attempting to make up for her 'death,' and JJ was trying to repair her relationship with Reid, which was significantly better after Emily's talk with him. It was a skill the brunette had, she always knew what you needed to hear whether you wanted to hear it or not.

But there was someone else who always seemed to have a few words of quirky wisdom for any willing to listen. Someone who, somehow, knew everything, well except for that _one thing_ Emily and JJ had agreed to never speak of again.

"Hello buttercup, how are you doing?" Garcia asked as she popped her head into JJ's office, the new profiler working on a stack of consults.

"Okay" JJ smiled as she looked up from the case file. "I don't get how everyone else can go through these so fast."

"Well you're still a newbie" Garcia smiled as walked into the office and shut the door behind her, taking a seat in the chair across from JJ. "But I'm not here for business but for pleasure, because it is just killing me to know."

"To know?" JJ asked with an eyebrow raised. "To know what?"

"What's going on with you and Gumdrop, duh. What? Did you think I would just forget about that five-year ongoing game of scissor me timbers you've been playing?"

"PEN!" JJ scolded with a blush. "What if someone heard you?"

"Please" Garcia scoffed as she waved the other woman off. "Everyone on the team, except Reid, already knows. We really do need to do something about that boy. Anyway Gumdrop's back and I'm just wondering, have you…"

"No" JJ interjected, cutting the other woman off with a curt tone as she rubbed her temples in frustration. She had been thinking about Emily enough as it was without Garcia bringing her up.

"No you won't tell me or no you guys are really done?"

"Both" JJ firmly stated as Garcia glared at her. "We're just friends."

"Ha, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard" The technical analyst laughed as JJ glared at her, prompting Garcia to clarify what she meant. "You two have been doing this for five years honey. I don't know if that's ever going to go away. Let me explain this for you mon petite mon ami…"

"Your French is terrible" JJ cut in with a grin while Garcia ignored the interruption, pressing on in her explanation.

"JJ, there are some people who are just drawn to each other. People who, no matter how much they try to fight it, are always going to fall into the same pattern because they just really love each other. And maybe what they have is imperfect, maybe it's twisted, maybe it's even unhealthy, but it's there and it's real. You my friend are one of those people, and so is Emster. You are in love with her and I think you always have been. I think you always will be."

"Garcia…" JJ began as the other woman lifted her hand to stop her.

"You almost lost her once, but she came back. I love Emily, I really do but we both know she didn't come back for me, or Derek, or even the BAU. She came back for you. I don't know what happened between you two but I know she came back for you. So if there is any part of you that wants her you have to go for it, because what if you lose her for real the next time?"

JJ inhaled sharply and briefly closed her eyes before responding to the advice, "Pen it's not that simple. There are other people involved, I have commitments. I have responsibilities at home. I have a son I have to think about. I can't just give into my impulses and do whatever feels good. I have to think about my family and I don't understand how you don't get that. My life affects Henry…"

"Henry loves Emily!" Garcia argued as JJ shook her head in disbelief.

"He loves his father more."

"But it's not fair to you, or Emily, or even Will. I really like Will and, well, don't you think that he deserves someone who loves him?"

"I do love him" JJ firmly stated. "He's the father of my child and I love him."

"See you always do that" Garcia started, getting irritated with the other woman. "You always say 'I love Will, he's Henry's father' but you don't say 'I love Will he's my boyfriend.'"

JJ rolled her eyes at the remark as the conversation was interrupted by Hotch. "We have a case in Boise, Idaho, briefing room now" he instructed in his professional monotone as he turned around and left the two women.

"Tell me one thing Jayje" Garcia ordered in a kind voice with a small sigh. "What do you want? What do you really want? Right here right now tell me what you want. Don't make it about Henry or Will or Emily but what do _you_ want?"

JJ bit her bottom lip, tapping her fingers on her desk in thought as she thought about the question. What did she want? It was a simple question, one that she could easily answer, but it was somehow not as easy as it seemed. With Will things were always simple, but when it came to Emily? Nothing was ever as simple as it seemed when it came to Emily Prentiss. But then again, JJ had to admit that _she _was partly to blame for that complexity. A few moments passed before JJ finally spoke up, "What I want is to not hurt anyone."

"Well I'm sorry sweet pea, but given your situation, that's not possible" Garcia stated in a matter of fact tone as she left the office and headed towards the briefing room.

* * *

><p><em>"Have you heard from her yet? She's honestly the worst. I mean, come on Emily this is your job, lives are at stake. Literally lives are at stake, I'm not even been overly dramatic at this point" JJ complained as she paced the sidewalk outside of the Milwaukee police precinct. <em>

_Emily hadn't shown up to work and wasn't answering her calls, but what else was new? Things had been rather frigid between the two woman after they slept together, or could you call it that? How would someone define what had happened that night? Regardless, JJ had been having a difficult time processing her feelings towards the other woman. First, there was the issue that she was starting to fall in love with Emily, who was a woman, which made everything inherently more confusing and terrifying. Then there was the issue of how she had sex with her best friend and then awkwardly left. The blonde had found her current situation to be less than ideal and foolishly decided that maybe dating a man was a good way to clear her head and sort out these 'odd' feelings once and for all. Enter detective Will LaMontagne Jr. He was a nice guy, handsome enough, charming-ish and maybe just what JJ needed to remind herself that she wasn't in love with some woman. However, forgetting about Emily was easier said then done and, as a result, JJ found herself reading into everything Emily said._

_You don't choose who you fall in love with._

_Did Emily know about Will? Was that meant for her or was it just wishful thinking on her part? Why would she want Emily to love her? She wanted Will to love her, not Emily. Emily was just her friend. They were just friends, nothing more. Friends that had sex once. Really just half of sex…_

_"JJ" Garcia repeated in a firm voice. "Did you hear what I said?"_

_"Sorry" JJ offered as she ran her free hand through her hair, "What?"_

_"I said she's still not answering. Is Strauss still, you know, Straussing you?"_

_JJ laughed at the question, "Yeah, it's fine."_

_"Oh my sweet little buttercup you sound so stressed. Tell the Oracle what's wrong."_

_JJ smiled at the tender tone and took a deep breath, "I'm worried about Emily, she won't talk to me and I keep having this weird dream and I don't know what it means…"_

_"Dream?"_

_"Yeah" JJ admitted with a sigh as she sat down on a free bench outside the police precinct, hoping that no homeless person had vomited on it recently. "It's really weird, I've been having it for a while. I don't have it every night but everyone once in a while it comes back."_

_"What happens in it?" Garcia asked as she leaned forward in her office chair, completely entranced by dreams and trying to discover their meanings._

_"When it first starts off I'm in this meadow, I swear it's straight out of the Sound of Music, it is so perfect. So I'm walking through the field and I see this single black rose and I smell it, but I don't pick it. And then I guess I leave because the dream jumps to where I'm running and I don't know how long I've been running for but I'm out of breath and exhausted. But, for some reason, I don't care about how exhausted I feel, all I'm thinking about is the rose. I don't even know why I care so much, but I'm obsessed with this black rose and I feel like I have to pick it. I'm trying to get to the meadow but I can't remember where it is…"_

_"Oh no!" Garcia gasped, prompting JJ to smile at the dramatics of her friend._

_"And when I finally find the right place and I go to pick the black rose it's gone. The black rose isn't there anymore and I want to cry and I think I do. And then I wake up" JJ finished as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "When I wake up I'm all sweaty and out of breath but it's not really a nightmare. I don't know…"_

_"That's so strangle, but also oddly poetic."_

_"Yeah" JJ agreed with a nod. "I don't think it means anything though…"_

_"Well whilst we are on the subject of dreams I've been having a super weird one" Garcia began as JJ couldn't help but smile. "So in my dreams I'm really good friends with Beyoncé and she is crazy into pizza. Like I think she has a problem…"_

_"In your dream Beyoncé has to go to pizza rehab" JJ interrupted with a laugh as Garcia scowled on the other end of the phone._

_"Don't be rude. Did I interrupt your royal oafness during your retelling?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Well don't interrupt me" Garcia scolded, which made her blonde friend erupt into a fit of laughter. "So I'm just minding my own business, being friends with Beyoncé and I keep getting her pizza orders messed up so she makes me get her order tattooed on my tummy…"_

_"Tummy? Pen you're a grown woman."_

_Garcia waved off the claim with her free hand as she continued on in her story, "Anyway it was so rude and I was all, 'I don't care if you're Beyoncé we are so done.' I will not put up with abuse Jayje. I won't do it. I am a human being. When I am cut do I not bleed? When I am tattooed do I not cry?"_

_JJ tilted her head in confusion at the line of questioning, "Umm…"_

_"Howevs, and this is the saddest part, I still had the tattoo to remind me of all the pain. And then I woke up and really wanted pizza."_

_"And?"_

_"And I ordered some and the dumb pizza place messed it up so I think the dream was basically a premonition."_

_"Sure" JJ sarcastically remarked with a yawn. "Well thanks for that."_

_"Are you tired my little kumquat?"_

_"Yeah" JJ answered as she rubbed her tired eyes. "I haven't been sleeping well because of the dream and then there's that and the whole Emily issue."_

_"So it's an issue now?"_

_JJ sighed as she crossed her free arm over her chest, "I guess so."_

_"See I don't get what is going on with you two. You both are like besties, which I resent, and then you barely speak to one another. I'm telling you I don't understand this entire situation. It's like you had a bad bang and hang."_

_"Bang and hang?"_

_"You know" Garcia hinted with a grin, "Like if you Elmered her fudd and then left."_

_"Okay that does not clear anything up for me" JJ laughed while shaking her head in disbelief. What the fuck was 'Elmered her fudd' supposed to mean?_

_"Oh my God, it's like you two hooked up and you left…"_

_"She told you?!" JJ yelled, cutting the other woman off._

_"OH MY GOD YOU WENT SPELUNKING IN EMILY PRENTISS' BAT CAVE! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! THIS IS A-MAZING!"_

_JJ cringed at the slip up, "So she didn't tell you then?"_

_"No!" Garcia gasped before a grin crept across her face. _

_"Oh" JJ merely stated as her body tensed, awaiting the awkward conversation that was bound to follow. Who knew that Garcia's 'talk dirty to me' Strauss slip up would not be the worst phone call fuck up of the day._

_"Okay so what the what happened with you and Emster? And do not say 'nothing' because you already admitted you explored Emily's…"_

_"Can you please stop with the imagery" JJ interjected in a pleading voice. "That didn't exactly happen."_

_"And what did exactly happen?"_

_"I just wanted to talk."_

_Garcia rolled her eyes at the claim, "Sure."_

_"But then I was there, and there was a couch and, umm, events transpired, but I left before I technically did anything with her…"_

_"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, did she Chronicle your Narnia?"_

_"Chronicle my Narnia? What the hell are you talking about?"_

_"You know, explore your mystical and magical place" Garcia hinted as JJ groaned on the other end of the phone. "I'm going to take that as a yes…did you return the favor?" The quirky woman asked as she took the silence on the other end of the line as confirmation that she didn't. "Oh my God, please do not tell me you reached fulfillment. JJ? JJ please tell me right now that you did not orgasm and dash. JJ!" Garcia scolded. "JJ that is the cardinal sin of sex. I can't believe you, God no wonder Emily hates you now."_

_"I know it was bad" the media liaison admitted with a sulk. "It was so bad."_

_"Emily was bad?"_

_"No she was…" JJ drifted off at the memory before hearing Garcia clear her throat on the other end of the line. "It was bad because I didn't know what to do…"_

_"There are manuals online, how about doing some research for once in your life."_

_"I panicked, I slept with my best friend" JJ defended as she scanned to make sure that Strauss wasn't lurking around the corner, waiting to fire her._

_"Hey!" Garcia complained in an offended tone. "And what am I?"_

_"Pen is now really the time for this? I really messed up. I was caught up in the moment and it wasn't smart. It was so dumb. I'm not even gay. I don't sleep with women, my female co-workers no less. I just want things to go back to the way they were."_

_Garcia sighed at the request, "Well honey I guess pray that someone whacks Emily upside the head with something to give her amnesia because I don't know how you can ever go back after that" Garcia concluded as she hung up the phone on her friend. She however did contact JJ again later that day, via text, not with advice but a request._

**_I don't know what God you prayed to, but do it again and ask for all of my baby boy's shirts to be destroyed in a fire. Goddess out._**

_The message made the media liaison laugh as she pocketed her phone and walked over to talk to Emily, who was getting treatment from the paramedic._

_"You scared me" JJ simply stated as she waited for everyone else to disperse from the area._

_"I know" Emily nodded as she gazed down at the ground, avoiding the blonde's eyes._

_"We can't keep doing this. I can't keep avoiding you like this. It's killing me Em."_

_Emily took a deep breath as she picked at her nails, "Me too."_

_"Can we move on from that? I mean I know I hurt you but I promise I didn't mean to. I didn't know what I was doing and I knew if we, I knew everything would get screwed up. And by trying to avoid screwing it up I still did."_

_"Yeah you're kind of a disaster huh?" Emily teased attempting to conceal her inner turmoil over the issue._

_She liked JJ a lot, maybe she could even love the blonde someday, but JJ would never feel the same way about her. JJ would never love her like that, and if she did she would never be able to admit it because of her identity crisis. JJ just couldn't seem to accept that she probably liked women, and despite how flattering it would be, Emily was fairly certain that she wasn't the only woman JJ had feelings or inclinations towards. But while Emily would just walk away from anyone else, she felt compelled to be close to JJ and didn't know why. Maybe she didn't want to know why because knowing would make everything too real. It would make everything too painful when JJ would inevitably settle for the wrong person._

_"I told you, we can still be friends or something" the raven haired woman reiterated as she picked at her fingernails. "We can get past this."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah" Emily assured JJ in a tender voice as she squeezed the blonde's clammy hand. JJ merely nodded as a scary realization set in. _

_She didn't want to be friends with Emily. That wasn't what she wanted at all, because being friends with Emily Prentiss was never going to be enough. _

_"So friends?" Emily asked with a smile._

_"Or something" JJ cryptically said with a grin as Emily smirked in return. _

**Any ****predictions of the significance of the dream?**


	8. Your Place or Mine?

**Sorry that I didn't update yesterday. I meant to, but…college. I had three papers I had to work on, my mother called, my friend said I was the 'Charlotte' of our group (Seriously? Charlotte? Why don't you just stab me in the heart with an ice pick?) and then there was a wicked disastrous tanning lotion incident. ****  
><strong>

**Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing. After this chapter things are going to get a little more interesting, both in the flashbacks and 'pretense' tense of this story.**

The first cases since Emily had been back had been adjustment. It wasn't that her skills had suffered, it was just that she felt the need to prove herself, to prove that she belonged on the team, and that desire to belong was even worse than when she was first brought into the BAU. It was a pattern in her life, trying to prove she belonged, even if her methods were ultimately detrimental to her.

But she could tell that things had changed, maybe not with everyone on the team, but the shift was still there. Hotch, oddly enough, respected her a little more, impressed with her previous work history and desire to do anything in her power to protect the team. Additionally, Rossi tried to ensure that Emily felt comfortable again, in no way embittered by the methods Hotch, JJ, and the State Department had to use to keep Emily's survival a secret. He felt that there really was no other choice. Garcia was the same, except she would hug Emily a little longer each time the brunette left on cases. The technical analyst was a bit more needy, somehow even more over the top in her adoration of Emily, who couldn't help but feel guilty. How she had treated Garcia before leaving for Boston had bothered the raven haired woman for months, the woman's heart wrenching voicemail replaying in her head on repeat most nights before she tried to fall asleep. However, while Garcia, Rossi, and Hotch had warmly welcomed Emily back, her return was a bit more complex with the rest of the team.

First, Emily focused on trying to fix things with Reid, who was even more upset with JJ than her, lashing out on a case in Oklahoma. At first Emily had tried to ignore his behavior, he had a right to be upset and maybe he was being short with the blonde because he truly was busy. But it was the snide remarks and the police precinct outburst that compelled Emily to talk to the genius on the BAU jet home. Ironically it was the resident 'genius' that had the most difficulty understanding that they had no other choice than to lie to him. And while Emily was elated that Reid showed up to Rossi's cooking class debacle, part of her knew it would never be the same again. He would never fully trust her like he did before, and probably never confide in her again. He would be cordial, he might even be warm, but their relationship would never be the same, forever tainted by her deceit which stemmed from her desire to protect the group of people she had come to see as she family.

Next Emily devoted most of her spare time to repairing her friendship with Morgan. Emily knew it had been the hardest on him. He had seen her 'die' in his arms, so she complied with every absurd request for her to prove she was ready for field work again. Emily would never point it out but Morgan seemed to forget that she had more field experience than he did and she didn't exactly transfer to the BAU from a desk job like she had led on. However, she felt that if it made him more at ease with her in the field, and enabled him to better concentrate instead of fixating on her safety, than who was she to argue?

And then there was JJ.

Everything was always complicated with JJ. It had been since the moment they met. And despite saying otherwise a few weeks earlier in her hotel room, Emily knew the best course of action was to avoid the blonde, remaining cordial and friendly at work but drawing the line after leaving the FBI building. Sure, JJ had ended things before in her own unique way, but this time was different. There was something much more definite about this time. It looked like JJ _really_ wanted to put an end to their affair, not that she was just _saying _things needed to end because it was what was expected of her. This break up, if you could call it that, seemed to be more genuine and Emily was going to support that decision. What they were doing wasn't healthy for either of them. But there was a specific phrase that JJ had kept repeating that stuck with the brunette.

"I owe it to him."

What did JJ mean by that? Who did she owe what to? Henry or Will?

* * *

><p>It was later than usual when JJ walked into the BAU, noticing that Emily was observing a conversation between Garcia and Hotch through his office window. JJ sighed as she observed the brunette woman. How many times would she have to tell Emily they could be friends before the other woman stopped ignoring her? Maybe she needed to make the first move to show that friendship was still a possibility between the two, that it wasn't all or nothing between them.<p>

"I _so_ don't miss that face" JJ began as she took a seat on Emily's desk, crossing her legs, surprised when the action didn't garner Emily's attention. Emily always had a thing for legs before, didn't she? Perhaps the brunette's lack of interest was better anyway, they were done with that part of their relationship. "No matter how many cases we solve, there's always more."

Emily kept her eyes trained on the window as she pointed her thumb over towards Reid, "Insert Dr. Reid's statistic about active serial killers at any given time here" she stated in a matter of fact tone that made JJ smile. "Reid?"

Shocked by his missing a statistical opportunity JJ whistled over at the man, "Spencer."

"There's something wrong."

"Why do you say that?"

"He's been reading the same page for 16 minutes and 24 seconds" The man answered JJ as Emily turned to face Rossi.

"Maybe it's a really good article" Emily offered with a small shrug.

"It's never taken him longer than 11 minutes."

Emily briefly closed her eyes, attempting to stifle an eye roll as she spoke up with an amused look on her face, "You time how long it…" she stopped herself as JJ gave her a look, Emily taking the hint. How was Emily still surprised by his Reid-isms? He had timed JJ's reading before, knowing exactly how many words she read per minute. This was just who he was. "What's your theory?"

"I'm extrapolating probabilities as we speak" Reid remarked as he walked off, leaving JJ and Emily alone again. And in that moment JJ felt that maybe it was possible for them to be friends. Maybe this could work.

* * *

><p>The team's case in Angeles National Forest was odd and JJ noticed that the team was a bit off. Emily appeared to be more emotionally drained than usual, which really irritated JJ because she worried that all of Morgan's stupid training sessions were wearing on Emily. They had enough work without him tacking on more. Additionally Rossi seemed distracted, which was out of character for him. And to top it all off, the case was just plain weird. Bodies were showing up having had signs of resuscitation. Granted, JJ was new at this whole profiling thing, but this didn't make sense to her. Why bother giving someone CPR if you're going to kill them again literally five minutes later?<p>

On the other hand, this made perfect sense to Emily, which was a little disconcerting. It's a strange feeling to have a bond with a unsub, but this time she did. She understood the need to know if a near-death experience can change, because hers had just reminded her of how alone she was truly was. Admittedly, she wasn't completely alone but it sure felt that way when her life started to slip away from her. It's funny how life works. All Emily wanted was to forget that night, and somehow it kept coming up. Life kept reminding her.

"If this unsub is so obsessed with death, then Jake Shepherd was the perfect person to talk to. He's been there and back again" Hotch remarked to the group of profilers gathered in the conference room of the station as they attempted to narrow down a motivation for the unsub, hoping it would aid in completing the profile.

"But come on, guys" Morgan began in an almost irritated voice. This entire theory was completely ridiculous to him. "Gentle lights, shadowy figures? Those are the lights in the emergency room and the doctors hovering over the patients. We all know that. No one actually sees the afterlife" he concluded with a condescending gesture.

It wasn't like Morgan intended to be insulting, he was just, fortunately, ignorant on the subject. In fact, most of the team didn't know any different and, as a result, Emily felt guilty that she was crippling the investigation by withholding her own experiences, her understanding of the unsub. But she didn't owe that information to anyone right? It was too fresh to share with the team. It was private. She could keep it private she internally reminded herself as Reid spoke up.

"I did" Reid stated in a matter of fact tone as all the team members' eyes focused on him. "Before Tobias Hankel resuscitated me I had that exact experience. And I wasn't in an emergency room. I was in a shed."

"Reid, you never told me that" Morgan replied as he stayed fixated on the younger man, ashamed by how insensitive he had been about the issue.

"I'm a man of science. I-I didn't know how to deal with it. There's no quantifiable proof that God exists, and yet, in that moment I was faced with something that I couldn't explain. I still can't."

Hotch went along with the line of reasoning, further expounding on the theory that the unsub was motivated by the desire to know what happened after death. "What if this unsub has had a similar experience and this is his way of looking for answers?"

"If that's the case why kill Jake Shepherd? Why not just talk to him?" Rossi questioned, which made Emily feel compelled to speak up. Reid had been brave enough to share his experience for the sake of the case and she felt she should too.

_Fuck _Emily internally groaned before beginning, careful not to show any emotion on her face, "He wanted to see if he had the same experience as before."

"Once isn't enough?" JJ questioned as she leaned forward, her eyes intently trained on the brunette. She looked tired, and despite her best attempts to hide it, JJ could tell this was a subject that bothered Emily. She could tell that Emily hated talking about this, thoroughly despising the feeling of being vulnerable and completely exposed in front of her friends. However, oddly enough, it was Emily's vulnerability that made JJ feel like Emily was the strongest person she knew, and that inner strength was magnetizing.

"Not if Jake didn't see the same thing the unsub did. He wants to know if the experience can change. I can relate to that" Emily added, surprising herself that she had made the remark as she purposely avoided JJ's gaze and instead made eye contact with Hotch, the man's expression signally that she needed to elaborate. "Reid felt a warmth and saw a light. When I coded in the ambulance all I felt was cold and darkness...And I would like to think that there's a different future waiting for me."

"You actually died?" Reid asked as Emily attempted to try to find the right words before Morgan saved her.

"All right, but resuscitation is hit or miss."

Emily internally breathed a sigh of relief as the team went on in their various theories. But JJ couldn't help but stay focused on Emily, reminded of how close she had been to losing the other woman. Perhaps this is why the FBI was so against fraternization, because in that moment JJ couldn't have cared less about Jake Shepherd, or the unsub, or even the victims. It was deplorable and unprofessional, and even as they headed out to apprehend the suspect, all the blonde could think about was how close she had come to losing Emily. All she could focus on was Bethesda, Paris, and, of course, Emily.

It always came back to Emily.

* * *

><p>"I need a drink" JJ groaned as she exited the BAU jet, walking beside Emily as she made her way to her car at the private airstrip parking lot.<p>

"Well it is five thirty morning so good luck with that" Emily chuckled after looking at her watch. Immediately after finishing up the case in California the team unanimously decided to fly back home that night, in theory hoping to catch some sleep on the plane. However, Emily hadn't been so lucky, sleep hadn't been coming easy to her since Doyle's reappearance. But then again what had?

JJ smiled as she approached her car, leaning on the door rather than opening it, "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Your place or mine?"

"Well that's a stupid question" Emily teased with a smirk, causing the blonde to giggle.

"Okay your place it is, I'll meet you there" JJ smiled as she finally got into her car, debating on what to tell Will. She decided against calling. He didn't know what time they were landing and it was five thirty in the morning. He needed sleep, no need to inconvenience him with trivial matters concerning Emily. Or that was how she justified it. That was how she always justified it, as protecting him, as protecting Henry. And JJ truly believed that in her own twisted way she was protecting them. She was protecting them for the person she could be. Much like Emily, perfection was a learned skill for the blonde, one she had picked up as a child. As a result very few people knew who she really was, but Emily knew. Emily knew because Emily was the same way. They both projected images, facades that did imitate who they really were but that weren't completely accurate. Emily always let on to be completely confident, self-assured, unaffected, even if it wasn't necessarily the case. And JJ, well Emily saw JJ for what she truly was, scared.

**Thanks again for your reviews. I have received some requests for Emily to have a love interest and I am getting to that, and yes _she_ will be a team member to make things a little more interesting for JJ. However, the pretense tense is going to remain focused on Emily/JJ for now...**

**Also, I like to foreshadow so there are little hints about how this story is going to play out. **


	9. Disintegrate

**Author's Note:**

**Sorry about my recent absence, school is crazy, as usual, and I've been dealings with some personal stuff. My boyfriend and I broke up after two years so that's been…different. I met him the first day of my Freshman year so this is the first time I've been single in college, which should be an interesting experience. Ugh men...**

**Anyway enough about my life and again sorry about the lack of updates but we're getting back on schedule. However, to make up for not updating this is a longer chapter than usual. **

**Thanks again for your reviews, they keep me updating.**

"You took a while" Emily remarked with a lopsided grin, already knowing that the blonde must have driven to her old apartment.

"Old habits" JJ mumbled as she walked into Emily's new D.C. sublet.

The view was of phenomenal, as expected, but the actual apartment was a disaster. It wasn't that it was messy by any means, it was just covered in boxes. Because of the undependable BAU hours it had turned out to be more difficult for the brunette to move than she had anticipated. As a result, the place was still a work in progress, with most of Emily's larger pieces of furniture having been sent to her mother's storage unit in Potomac after her 'death,' which meant that Emily had boxes of belongings that she couldn't unpack because she had no place to put them. Whether stacks of books looked better on the floor or in a box were the sort of decorating decisions the brunette was stuck making. Ultimately Emily thought that the boxes were the lesser of two evils. However, she was really starting to miss her hotel suite hotel.

"So where are we going to sit?" JJ asked with a smile as Emily scanned her living room, groaning as she walked to her kitchen to grab a couple of glasses and a bottle of gin. "My bed is the only piece of furniture I have set up…"

"Okay" JJ agreed. Okay drinking in bed may not have been the most ideal plan for fidelity, but they could control themselves. They were adults. JJ started walking towards Emily's room, noticing Emily's alcohol choice. "Gin?"

Emily shrugged with a small smile, "It's all I have. But I do have ice."

"Lime?"

"No" Emily admitted as JJ shook her head in disbelief.

"You are the worst hostess ever" the blonde teased as Emily faked gasped.

"Oh how will I ever sleep at night now?" She sarcastically stated, making JJ laugh as the two women walked towards Emily's bedroom. The sky was still dark outside, prompting Emily to turn on a lamp before handing JJ a glass with a few cubes of ice.

"Thanksgiving is a month away, you excited?" JJ asked, embarrassed by her futile attempt at small talk with Emily.

"No" The brunette simply answered with a laugh.

"I am."

"Well that's because you have a normal family" Emily clarified as she nudged JJ in the ribs. "My childhood Thanksgiving experiences played out like this. Dinner was catered because my mother didn't know how to make boxed mashed potatoes let alone an entire dinner. Dinner was attended by only me, my mother, and my father so that was fun. Sometimes roving grandma would show up…"

"Roving grandma?" JJ cut in with a chuckle. "What is that?"

Emily couldn't help but chuckle at the question, "Roving grandma was my mother's mother and the only grandparent still alive…"

"Besides your father's father who lived on a mountain" JJ added.

"Exactly, which is what happens when you have older parents, grandparents are hard to come by. Roving grandmother mostly spent holidays around the East Coast, but sometimes she would visit us at my mother's various postings, much to my mother's delight" Emily added sarcastically as she took another sip of her drink. "And that was my Thanksgiving. Dinner started at five, conversation was centered around politics and how I was doing in school. After telling my parents about school my mother would always say, 'surely that can't be everything Emily' and then excuse herself to catch up on some work. My father would jokingly complain about my mother working and chat with me about baseball for half an hour before excusing himself to make a quick call, never returning for the rest of the night since he too was working. And then I would just watch TV by myself for the rest of the night. So no, I'm not excited for Thanksgiving" Emily finished in a firm voice with JJ left wondering how she could still know so little about the other woman's family life after all these years. Emily opened her mouth to say something else but closed it instead, silence filing the bedroom before she spoke up in a quiet voice, "So what are you going to tell Will?"

"What do you mean?" JJ absent-mindedly asked as she leaned against Emily's headboard, pouring more alcohol into her glass.

"What do I mean?" Emily scoffed as the blonde focused on her. "Are you going to lie to him?"

"I don't know" JJ admitted with a sigh.

"But you're not going to tell him the truth?"

The younger woman took a deep breath at the question, "Probably not…I need to keep things on an even keel, and this doesn't lend itself to that."

"What do you mean? We're not doing anything wrong, right?" Emily questioned with a raised eyebrow. "Are you ever going to be, you know, truthful? Are we ever going to reach a point where lying isn't the default setting?"

"I don't know Em" JJ confessed in a defeated voice as she took a sip of her drink, wincing at the taste. "Well, I guess with you a drink is never just a drink. It's always more, and I'm okay with that. I like that. I like that we have the glimpses of the old us, but I don't know if he's okay with that."

"Us" Emily repeated with a chuckle. "JJ, I don't know if there was ever an 'us.'"

"I think there was."

"Fine" Emily relented as she turned her body to face JJ before continuing, "Fine, say there was ever an 'us,' and doing this gives you small glimpses of that, you're basically saying that you're okay with an emotional affair but not a physical one."

"Emily" JJ groaned with a small smile. Why did Emily always have to over think everything?

The brunette looked at her drink and shrugged, "I'm just trying to clarify here…I mean, you're with Will."

JJ nodded at the statement, "I am but..."

"But?"

"But most nights when I can't sleep" JJ began before briefly pausing and closing her eyes, "Most nights I still play us. It's like you're on an infinite loop in my head. So yes, maybe this is wrong and maybe I'm a deplorable person and a coward. Maybe I'm all of those things and maybe you're some of those things too, but right now, right now I just do not care." And for the first time in what seemed like forever, JJ had finally told the truth. And if Emily was honest as well, she would have to admit that _this _was the whole reason she had come back in the first place. "Did you love her?"

Emily bit her bottom lip at the question, contemplating how to answer, "This feels weird."

"Why? We're friends. Friends do this sort of stuff" JJ informed the nervous brunette with a smile, lightly nudging the other woman with her elbow. "You can tell me anything."

"Within reason" Emily stated in a low voice as she ran her hands through her hair. "I might have. I think I could have, loved her."

"I think you did."

"You do?" Emily questioned with a laugh as she stared down at the drink in her hand. "Why do you say that?"

JJ paused before answering the question, opting to avoid eye contact with her brunette counterpart, "Because it hurt, it hurt to see you with her because maybe I always knew she wasn't just some fling. If it was, if it wasn't love she wouldn't have mattered enough for you to say 'no' to me."

"Maybe...I remember this one time" Emily began with a chuckle as JJ felt inexplicably crushed by the admission. She had always known, but there was something so heartbreaking about hearing Emily confirm that she had loved someone else. "This one time we played Monopoly, we were really drunk, and by the way Monopoly is no fun with only two people. But anyways we did and she kept accusing me of embezzling and then threatened that if I didn't give her Boardwalk in a bailout she would divorce me."

JJ couldn't help but laugh at the story, "Divorce you?"

"Yeah, she was really drunk" Emily laughed as she continued to nurse her drink.

"So were you stealing money from the bank?"

"Of course not" Emily adamantly replied with a lopsided smirk. "It was just a loan, I was going to pay it all back."

"Says every embezzler" JJ accused as she burst into a fit of laughter, "poor Ashley."

"Yeah" The other woman nodded in agreement. As much as it pained both Emily and JJ, Emily knew that the real victims of their affair were Will and Ashley.

"Have you called her yet?" JJ asked as Emily merely shook her head 'no' in reply. "Emily you should have. She's going to be pissed that you didn't call her as soon as you got off that plane. Why didn't you?" JJ stupidly questioned, the words hanging in the air. Because as soon as she asked the question she knew the answer. She knew why Emily didn't call Ashley as soon as she landed. It was because Emily had never intended on coming home to Ashley but to someone else entirely. "Never mind" JJ covered as she rubbed her eyes, wondering if she should ask the next question of not. "Did you have to teach her too, to have, you know" JJ hinted awkwardly as Emily groaned at the uncomfortable question.

"No."

"No you're not going to tell me or no you didn't have to?"

Emily downed the rest of her drink, pouring herself another before opting to answer the question, "I didn't have to."

"Remember when, the first time I tried to…" JJ drifted off with a cringe.

"Yeah that was terrible" Emily confessed with a laugh as JJ scowled.

"You said it was good."

"Of course I _said _it was good, but, fuck, JJ it was a disaster" Emily laughed again as JJ pouted at the claim. "Every time you started to get better you stopped to ask if you were doing okay. It was very frustrating."

"You are such a jerk" The blonde playfully scolded as she slapped Emily on the upper arm.

"Oh come on Jayje, the idea that it's perfect the first time with a new person is mostly a myth. It takes time to figure it out. We figured it out eventually."

"Yeah" JJ agreed with a nod. "What you said yesterday, what you told the team, you never told me about any of that."

Emily nervously chewed on her lip as she slid down further down on to the bed, propping herself up by an elbow. "I didn't see how it mattered. To be honest, I don't see why it's a big deal. Plus, I already know you read my medical records in Maryland. You always were nosy" she teased, JJ seeing through what she was trying to do.

"Don't change the subject" JJ began as she took a deep breath, studying Emily's tense body. "Why are you so nervous? It's just me."

"Exactly" Emily chuckled halfheartedly.

JJ sighed, deciding the ignore the snide comment that she had no doubt earned, "I need you to know that I meant what I said…I meant what I said in Bethesda" JJ clarified as Emily rolled her eyes.

"But obviously not Paris."

"I don't want to talk about Paris…"

"And I don't either. It's pointless to me. I don't care about Paris or what you do or don't do. I don't..."

"You know what" JJ interrupted, lifting her hand to show that Emily was not to cut her off. "I am not here to argue with you about who did what and who should have done this, or the millions of things you hate about me right now…"

Emily shook her head at the remark, "I don't hate you."

"You don't?" JJ laughed bitterly, running her hands through her hair. "You can't even look at me Em. You can't talk to me. Every time we're together you recoil into yourself. You spend all your time with Morgan…"

"Because I owe it to him" Emily interjected in an annoyed tone. "He thought I was dead. You told him I was dead!"

"What was I supposed to do Emily?! Enlighten me on what I should have done?"

"I don't know!" Emily yelled as she began to pick at her fingernails. "I don't know what we should have done. I don't know. I don't know how I can fix any of this except by devoting my life to doing all this shit to make it up to everyone. Nothing is ever going to be the same with any of them. And the second I think it might be, something else comes back up that connects to Doyle. I don't even know how to be here anymore. I don't know how to be around you anymore. I don't know where we are because all you do is send fucking mixed signals. That's all you do JJ" Emily ranted as JJ nodded in agreement. "You tell me you stayed with Will and that we can be friends, you come over to my house to demand that I spend time with you and kiss me, and now you're here again. You're here again asking me to tell about how shitty my near death experience was or how alone I felt because of you. You're asking me why I didn't see _her_ in those final moments when I should have. I feel so fucking guilty because I shouldn't have felt alone. I wasn't alone. She told me she loved me and I was thinking about you. And when I thought Doyle was going to kill me I wasn't thinking about her. I should have been thinking about her and what? What JJ? Now you expect me to tell you all of this? All these things we both know you already know. What good is that going to do me JJ?"

"I just want…"

"You just want me to be here for me?" Emily laughed as she shook her head in disbelief, her eyes clouding with tears that she refused to allow to fall. "You want to really help me? Just let this go. It's pointless to talk…"

"No" JJ firmly stated as she pinned a lock of loose hair behind Emily's ear. "Emily, I can't let this go because I know it's bothering you…"

The brunette inhaled sharply as she rubbed her temples, "The whole idea is actually hilarious to me."

"Dying?"

"No, people trying to understand death" Emily clarified as JJ put her drink down on the floor and lay down on her side to face Emily, motioning for her to go on. "Okay so Reid and I both claimed to have near death experience right? But we didn't really die. Well, we did but we're alive and it's impossible to know if what we experience was really the death experience…"

"But you did die" JJ interjected in a confused voice. It was way too late, or early, for Emily to get all philosophical on her.

"Yes, but then we lived, so how do I know that I didn't just implant memories into that moment of death?" Emily argued, confusing JJ even more. "It's possible. We don't really know what happens at death. Some doctors say something about the body releasing the chemical DMT at the time of death and they've done tests on it, but who really knows? The people they talk to during those studies are obviously alive, near-death isn't death, only death-death is death. And it's funny because everyone wants to know what happens to us when we die, but we'll never really know until we're dead because the only people who know can't tell us because they are dead."

"You're giving me a migraine. You're such as dork" JJ laughed as Emily scowled at her. "Hey Em, I've missed you."

It was a simple statement, but it meant so much to Emily. JJ has missed her, and for the first time in what felt like forever Emily felt like herself again.

"I've missed me too" the brunette softly replied as JJ smiled at her, closing her eyes as she began to drift off to sleep, JJ left wondering what it would be like to do this every night with Emily. It wasn't just the sex she missed, it was the intimacy. And in that moment she truly hated Emily, because it was Emily who walked away from her first. It was Emily who lost hope in them.

It was Emily who told her to go after Will.

* * *

><p><em>4 Years Earlier<em>

_The past year between JJ and Emily had been complex, which was an understatement. JJ had started dating Will, largely because she felt she needed to combat whatever she was doing with Emily with something 'normal,' but the relationship wasn't serious. However, her and Emily also had an agreed upon arrangement, in which they would help each other in ways 'friends' would, an idea which Emily felt was the only suitable option. Strauss already hated her and the coldhearted woman would be more than giddy at the prospect of firing her for 'Sexual Misconduct.' So the ever-emotionally crippled Emily Prentiss was completely onboard with the idea, which also let JJ believe that she wasn't gay or bisexual, just that she, like everyone, needed the occasional orgasm and who else was going to give it to her?_

_Hotch? That'd be too weird._

_Rossi? Not unless he boiled it in bleach._

_Morgan? Morgan totally seemed like the guy who would have sex to "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men playing __on a loop._

_Garcia? What would sex with Garcia be like? It'd probably be like a Japanese game show and end with her getting a year's supply of scrapbook glitter._

_And Spence? Did Spencer Reid even know how to have sex? Would he just spit random statistics throughout? Would that be his version of dirty talk. 'JJ touch yourself…oh and by the way, did you know that approximately 5 percent of 40-year-old men and between 15 to 25 percent of 65-year-old men experience erectile dysfunction?' That would be a disaster._

_No, it was always going to be Emily Prentiss, and that is why they made rules to ensure that everything went smoothly. __There was nothing off about that right? Friends just have casual sex with each other all the time and it never leads to any hurt feelings. That's exactly how life works, and the rules would only simplify things. _

_ 1. __There was to be no sleepovers…unless they were really tired. _

_ 2. No talking about their feeling before or after sex…unless there was something really bothering them._

_ 3. No cuddling after sex…but if they fell asleep while sharing a friendly hug that was okay. _

_ 4. No eating dinner together…unless, you know, they were hungry, because they weren't animals. _

_ 5. And most of all, no falling in love._

_But it was only after a simple sentence that JJ and Emily both realized that they had broken the cardinal rule of the casual hookup._

_The case in Miami was a difficult one for JJ. First, there was the issue of how it dealt with running from your sexual identity, and second, Will LaMontagne was helping on the case, which made everything inherently more complicated. Because after ten seconds JJ was convinced that Emily knew, because, fuck, Emily could always read her like a book. __  
><em>

_And then there was Emily, who could see that JJ was drowning, struggling with who she was, trying to reconcile who she was with who she wanted to be. And what could Emily really offer the other woman besides secrets and lies? There was a reason that none of Emily's relationships, __either male or female, had ever worked out. It was because in the simple of terms, Emily was not the dating type. She was the casual hookup-I don't want to hear about your day-No, I will not meet your mother type. That was who she was, it was who she had been since Doyle. And Will, maybe he was what JJ really needed. He was simple, easy, he was a good guy and Emily felt that she was none of those things. And that is why she said it. _

_"You should go for him" Emily simply stated as she walked up to the blonde, leaving JJ shocked by the advice, prompting her to wonder if she was just always a sexual outlet for the brunette after all. Maybe she didn't love her back like JJ had hoped and dreamed for._

_ "What?" JJ questioned in a quiet voice, trying to hide her emotional pain caused by the other woman._

_"You'd make a cute couple."_

_JJ took a deep breath at the assumption, trying to reign in her emotions, trying to control her anger at the other woman, accepting the challenge to prove that Emily meant nothing to her either. "You know what?" JJ threatened as she walked away towards Will, leaving Emily to watch as the blonde told him everything she wished she could tell Emily. Telling Will everything about not wanting to run anymore, even though that speech she had rehearsed every night was meant for someone else entirely._

_While Emily chatted with Morgan and Reid about the new coupling, pretending that JJ kissing someone else was irrelevant to her, Morgan picked up on something and knew that there was more to this than Emily was letting on. And from what he saw, whatever it was had probably been there for a long time._

_"You should go for him."_

_It was a simple sentence, neither woman sure of what hurt more, hearing it or saying it._

_And that is when they first started to disintegrate._

**Feels?**


	10. Lady Issues

**Sorry I've been so terrible about updating lately, my life has been super crazy and I just turned 21 last weekend so that was insane. I think September-November is like a birthday cluster. Anyway I'm aiming to be able to update at least 2x a week. Since I'm going home for the weekend I hope I'll be able to get some writing done on the train. **

**Thanks again for all of your reviews. Reviews help me remember to update so please leave one. Thanks again. **

_Emily gave JJ a warm smile after popping into her office. She was worried about the blonde throughout the duration of the case since JJ had seemed so emotional. The level of attachment JJ had to the simple stalking case __was borderline unprofessional.__ It wasn't that Emily felt JJ wasn't good at her job, she just felt like this time she was too invested, which, at times, could prove be a hinderance in the field. __"You should go" Emily encouraged as she looked at the younger woman, her body tense and letting on that she was obviously stressed. "__Keri's gonna be ok."_

_"I know" JJ quickly replied back, her manner a bit short with the brunette. _

_"Ok" Emily remarked with a questioning look, "Then what is it? Because you've been a little off."_

_"Really, I'm just, I'm tired."_

_Emily knew that wasn't entirely it, but decided that the BAU probably wasn't the best place to press on. JJ would talk to her when she felt it was right and Emily respected that. That is how their 'friendship' worked. Sometimes they needed time before they were ready to talk, but they were honest with each other, for the most part. Emily understood the need to process certain issues alone better than anyone. "Ok" Emily offered with a nod before continuing on, "Well, go home. Get some sleep."  
><em>

_JJ smiled in reply, watching as Emily, who had looked like she was about to leave the office, focused on a book resting amongst the stacks of case files on the blonde's desk. "What?" _

_"'This is the saddest story I have ever heard.'"_

_"What?" JJ questioned with an eyebrow raised, prompting Emily to chuckle_

_"It's the first line" The brunette clarified in an amused tone. "Just read the book" Emily directed __as she left the cluttered office, JJ nodding in reply before taking a deep breath as she took out the white folded paper and placed it in front of her. There was no more hiding now.__ This would be something that one would typically do at home, but for some reason she felt compelled to stay. Maybe because for some odd reason the BAU gave her some sort of comfort, a sense of stability. Stability, which was what she desperately needed because one sentence, one word could change her life forever. One word scribbled on an otherwise insignificant piece of white printer paper would mean obligations, responsibilities. _

_It would mean Will. _

_The blonde slightly gulped as she opened the folded blood test results, the formerly crisp paper moistening and __already marred by the imprints left by her sweaty fingers. __She couldn't bring herself to take a home pregnancy test. They weren't infallible. She needed certainty and you can't get more certain than elevated HCG levels in a blood test._

_Speaking of blood, JJ could now taste it in her mouth, not realizing that she had been chewing on the inside of her cheek whilst the terrifying thoughts of motherhood raced through her head.__ She had never been more nervous in her entire life. __Not when she was opening her college acceptance letters, not before her first FBI interview, not before first meeting Hotch, not the night before her first day on the job, not before her first press conference, and not even when first meeting Emily. This was different. This was real life. Because sure, she could always go to another college. _

_She could try to find another job. _

_First impressions weren't always everything. _

_But being pregnant? This was something she couldn't undo, it would always be a part of her, whether she had the baby or not. And JJ always knew that if she found herself in this situation she would have the baby. JJ's entire body tensed as she scanned the paper. __There were technical terms written, hormonal levels given, but there one only one word that stood out to the blonde._

_Pregnant._

_It was after reading that one word that JJ recognized the sound of laughing, taking a few moments to realize that the laughter was coming from her. It was funny how things worked out. JJ started to develop feelings for Emily, cowardly tried to deny them, and started dating Will. But despite her fears, she __couldn't help but be in love with Emily, so she started sleeping with Emily too. Emily, who was perfectly fine with a friends with benefits arrangement. Then Emily sees her and Will interacting in a strictly professional manner and encourages her to make it work with Will. Hilariously, hoping for Emily to get jealous or show that she cared in some way, JJ did go after Will and now, now any chance of her and Emily working out just became slimmer. __She was pregnant, and this whole game of emotional chicken with Emily was over. Because this wasn't just her life she was fucking with anymore. It was her baby's too, and she owed that little person the right of growing up with two parents._

_JJ laughed bitterly at the results, hating that she resented the life growing inside her. She should be happy, and someday she probably would be, but not that night. That night, as she picked up the phone to call Will, JJ felt anything but happy, anything but relief. This wasn't supposed to happen, but it was her fault. Fault. T__he word made JJ feel incredibly guilty because she saw this child as a consequence of poor decisions. How many infertile women would have killed to be in this position? The situation was seemingly ideal, pregnant with a loving boyfriend and a stable well-paying job. And here she was so unappreciative of it, so ambivalent to it. Sure, she would love her baby, that she had no doubt of, but now she was forever connected to a man she wasn't in love with. And the person she was in love with had pushed her towards him because she didn't want her. And if Emily didn't want her before she definitely wouldn't want her now._

_How was she going to tell Emily?_

_"Hello darlin'" Will warmly greeted on the phone, shaking JJ from her internal ramblings._

_"Hey, it's me." It was a stupid thing to say. Of course he knew who it was, unless he called someone else 'darlin' behind her back. Would Will cheat __on her? Well that point was moot because she was already engaged in an affair. But to be fair, Emily did come first. "__Got a minute?"_

_"Sure do, somethin' bothering ya? Ya alright?" He sweetly questioned, picking up on the nervousness in her voice. He wasn't a profiler but he knew her. _

_"Yeah, I'm fine" JJ answered at her bit her bottom lip, was she lying? Was she truly 'fine?'  
><em>

_"Okay then, how was your day?"_

_"Fine" JJ answered again as she shook her head. He was trying so hard for a conversation but she wasn't really in the mood for idle chatter. She needed to tell him. He deserved to know that they were having a baby together. "Uh, we just really need to talk...I'm pregnant" she blurted out all at once, covering her eyes in embarrassment, not comprehending why it was such an embarrassing thing to announce. _

_"JJ this is great!" He exclaimed as the blonde took a deep breath to still her nerves, somehow feeling worse than before she had called Will, because he was so excited at the prospect and she was nothing but conflicted. It wasn't that she was opposed to having children. It was something that she had wanted eventually, but the key was that she had wanted them 'eventually,' not right then. She had always wanted a family, just on her own terms. An unexpected pregnancy was not what she had in mind. She had wanted to raise them with someone she was truly in love with, and as horrible and confusing as it was to admit, she had wanted to raise them with Emily._

* * *

><p>She's running through the forest, her blonde hair getting into her eyes, mouth, and nose. But the annoyance is irrelevant, because she knows she has to get to it. She has to find the black rose. Why is she lost? It was so simple, so easy to find before and now? And now she has no idea where she's running to, all she knows is <em>why<em> she's running. Because she needs it. It's more than a simple desire or want, it's a need.

She's running in circles, knowing each turn is a wrong one but making it anyway. It's like she's watching all of this unfold in front of her but unable to speak up to help herself find it. Her chest is heaving as she finally runs past a creek she thinks looks familiar. Is it a creek? Because the second she spots it, it seems to evolve before her eyes, turning into more trees that seem to block her off from the empty plain. But despite the barriers, she makes it. She's there. She's sure of it this time, and there is certain sense of pride and relief that passes over her.

But even though she's there, it's not. It's not there and she can't help the tears that start falling after realizing that the black rose is gone. And as she begins to fall apart a faint horn cuts into the meadow's silence.

"Fuck" JJ quietly groaned as she tenderly removed the limbs draped over her body, repositioning herself so she still touching Emily's body but also able to check the clock resting on the floor. It was almost noon. JJ felt her chest contracting at the realization that she had never called home the night before, or that morning. She hadn't called Will or Henry. She was so wrapped up in Emily that she completely forgot. Emily, who was still asleep, which was odd. Normally the brunette was a light sleeper and the smallest movement would wake her, but this time JJ got out of the bed without Emily even slightly stirring. The blonde assumed that Emily hadn't slept well in weeks, no probably months. JJ recovered the other woman with the comforter and tiptoed out of the room, taking out her cell phone as she exited the apartment, her hair giving the appearance that she had down more than just sleep with the brunette.

"Fuck" she groaned as she took out a mirror to check her appearance, brushing out her hair in the hallway as she dialed Will's number. "Will…"

"JJ where the hell have ya been? I was callin' you all night. I was worried…"

"I'm sorry" JJ replied in a quiet voice as she used her free hand to rub her left temple.

"Well that's not good enough when Henry's cryin' for his mama…"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that he kept cryin' until he finally fell asleep because his mama doesn't know how to answer her fucking phone" Will scolded in a harsher tone than he meant to use. "He was upset most of the night waiting for ya, maybe he was even worried. Goddamn it JJ, I was."

"But is Henry okay? He's not sick or anything right? No one hurt him right?" JJ cut him off, nervously rambling off various questions as she heard Will huff on the other end of the line.

"Yeah he's fine" he relented with a sign, "He just wanted ya to read him a story but ya didn' call. He thought you were hurt or somethin.' I don't know. I was worried too, you always call. I almost called your boss."

"No, it's, I'm fine. I guess I just got busy and the case was tough" JJ covered before taking a deep breath. It wasn't necessarily a flat-out lie, she had been busy and the case was tough, especially after hearing Emily's near-death confession. Okay, so technically withholding pertinent information was lying, but it wasn't like she could tell the truth. JJ couldn't even fathom what that conversation would sound like and she never intended to find out. In addition to all of this, JJ couldn't believe that she had totally forgotten about her son, so consumed with Emily that Henry wasn't even on her radar. "I'm sorry" she offered, her voice cracking as Will noticed the tears in her voice, regretting that they were caused by his harsh rebuke.

"Oh it's okay JJ. I'm sorry I was so hard on ya. I know you're workin' and, well, did ya want to talk 'bout whatever it is?"

"No" JJ responded as she wiped at her eyes, disgusted at herself for still lying to Will. Sure, _technically_ nothing had really happened with Emily the night before but she wanted something to happen, thinking, no fantasizing about the idea for most of the night, which was why she was reacting so emotionally. She was exhausted, emotionally and physically, the thoughts of Emily plaguing the blonde for the most of the early morning hours, to the point where she had barely slept. And in that moment JJ was completely disgusted with herself, because it was her selfish desires that had caused her to completely forget about Henry, the little boy left crying himself to sleep, worried that his mother was hurt. JJ felt like she kept failing everyone and she didn't know how to stop.

Well that was a lie. She knew exactly how to stop but she didn't want to. Because she loved Emily and maybe part of her was always meant to be with the brunette, but she had responsibilities at home.

"Well I don't know what to say Darlin', I didn't mean to make you so upset. Lady issues?" Will naively asked as JJ couldn't help but crack a small smile.

"Yeah something like that" JJ agreed as she got into her car, closing her eyes as she leaned her head against the car window. "I'm trying and I know it's not good enough…"

"JJ…"

"No Will, I know it's not good enough" The blonde admitted as the tears continued to stream down her face while she gazed up at Emily's apartment building. Should she have left a note? It wasn't like they had slept together, well they had but that was all it was- sleep. Should notes of explanation about leaving be left in those instances? It didn't feel like she was obligated to leave a note. But then again, she wasn't obligated to do anything for Emily anymore. Those were the rules they had to play by to ensure that things between them didn't escalate. Ironically, although she hadn't technically cheated on Will, the previous night with Emily felt more intimate than some of the nights when they had actually had sex. "Can you just…I'm coming home right now, don't take Henry to daycare. I want to stay home with him."

"Okay, I'll tell him. He'll be happy" Will replied in an ecstatic tone which made JJ smile.

"Yeah, he will" she merely responded as she turned the ignition and headed home, unaware that she was missing an earring.

**There are some clues in this chapter that hint to how things are going to play out. And the little book references I'm leaving in this story are a part of that...**


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